


Epilogue: It's Over

by meesherbeans



Series: You Make Me Feel Human [26]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Near Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:57:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3146708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meesherbeans/pseuds/meesherbeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My epilogue of what happens after the end of ME3. Not a rewrite, but an interpretation and some detailing as to how my head canon ends in the Mass Effect universe. Rated T for some minor language and adult situations. As always, lots of Kaidan/femShep!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This begins during the immediate aftermath of Mass Effect 3. I'm not going to write any opinions on the ending itself, because this isn't the place. Written below is my epilogue for ME3, the way I'm ending it in my head canon. I chose destruction, had enough EMS and 'saved' Anderson, so I got the “breathing N7 chest plate” clip right before the credits – I personally choose to interpret that as the below result. A couple things in here are referenced that aren't in game: these are my personal little side conversations that haven’t been fleshed out in fiction yet. Nothing too much, but if you go "I don’t remember them making that joke," it's because I made it up.
> 
> Short summary of my femShep: Earthborn, War Hero, named Kaelia, bright red hair, bright green eyes, mostly Paragon minus a brief Renegade stint after Horizon, only has eyes for Kaidan, gained biotic ability in ME2's reconstruction, and is Alliance through and through. Without further ado, my personal interpretation of what transpired after the end of ME3. (Oh, and the Normandy never went anywhere in my head canon. That's the only major deviation I made – everything else is strictly canon according to the vanilla game.)

The sound of gunshots reverberated throughout the empty room. The AI…child…Catalyst… _thing_ watched her quietly as Shepard slowly limped toward the power conduit. There was no other option. Why would the Catalyst even _bother_ giving her the choice of controlling the Reapers, or much less turning _everyone_ into half-Reapers? They weren't choices at all. She always thought every decision through logically, and this was no exception.

Her, essentially become the new Catalyst? The truth was that absolute power corrupts absolutely – one of the oldest human platitudes in existence continued to be the truest. She knew it wouldn't last. Would she be able to handle years of solitude? What if, while plugged into the Reaper/Catalyst tech, they eventually indoctrinated and convinced her to start the cycle again? What if _she_ went insane and started the next cycle? No. That was off the table, no questions asked.

And to choose synthesis? To… _merge_ everyone she knew into half-machine, half-organic? No way. That would irrevocably destroy everything she and that whole fleet out there stood for. They were fighting to _avoid_ that very thing, to avoid becoming Reapers and keep their lives intact. Take away their free will and force the entirety of galactic civilization into a new form? Pfft, "pinnacle of evolution." Right. That was not an option.

Which left destruction. The one she wanted to avoid more than anything was the only true option. Destroying the Reapers was the only way to ensure they'd never come back to finish the job, and the only way to ensure all the sentients out there, fighting to the death to preserve their freedom, kept that choice. The AI was very clear to point out that there she probably wouldn't live through this with her cybernetic implants and that's just the way it had to be. She wasn't sure she wanted to, anyway; she'd be killing an entire race in the process. The Geth had just gained true sentience and individuality and here she was, killing them _weeks_ later. Genocide at its finest. EDI, too…EDI would die. The mass relays being destroyed was a horrible thought, but something fixable with enough time and research.

Another explosion ripped through the air as her bullets hit the main power line. Shepard flinched. She already died once, and she wasn't looking forward to it the second time around. Memories of everyone close to her flashed through her mind as she was thrown to the ground: Garrus sniping down bottles on the Citadel; Joker making fun of Ashley; Anderson thumping her back in welcome. Tears streaked through the blood coating her face as she remembered the last person, the most important person in her life. His desperate plea that he couldn't lose her a second time echoed through her mind as the bright light of explosions faded to black.

_Guess I won't be waiting for you when this is over. I'm sorry, Kaidan._

* * *

The rumble of a nearby explosion shook him awake. Brown eyes shot open and he pushed against the piece of rubble pinning him to the ground. His ribs were probably broken, but armor and biotics had taken the brunt of the damage. A few moments later, Kaidan realized he was not getting out from under this stone with his own arms. He quietly summoned what little strength he had left and just  _shoved_ the wall chunk with a weak biotic wave. It landed on his left foot with a sickening crunch; definitely broke those toes. At least he was free after tugging the appendage out. He stood and looked around in near panic. Reapers were still attacking. How long was he out? Where  _was_ she? Did she make it? Shepard made him promise that if it looked like she hadn't made it, he should try to finish the job for her. His stomach twisted at the thought, but he couldn't break a promise. Not to her. What if she was hurt and needed his help? He limped forward, pain jolting to his brain with every lopsided step. It helped keep him focused as he stumbled toward that damned beam of light. A sniper took out a lone husk as it started toward him. Kaidan didn't even flinch.

His eyes began to burn the closer he got to the beam, vision blurring. Something snagged his good foot, momentum and gravity pulling him to the ground in a heap. _Damn it._ Every muscle in his body screamed to stay down, just stop moving. _No._ He forced himself to slowly drag himself to his feet and take a few careful steps closer. He would make it. For her, if nothing else.

A deafening explosion shook the ground. He went tumbling down again, hands reaching to brace for impact this time. His eyes swiveled, trying to discern where the noise came from. All he saw was a wave of red, almost ethereal in form, sweep across the entire battlefield. The nearby Reaper's lights winked out as it fell to the ground. The beacon of light dissipated and another small earthquake rattled him. Shocked silence quickly erupted into cheers from the few people around him.

The wave of red… _energy_ blew across his face like a soft wind. Suddenly he felt different than he had only moments ago. Something was off. He still felt like shit, but…empty. Panic quietly set in for a second when he had the horrifying thought that maybe he had just felt Shepard die. _No. I refuse to believe it._

His head slowly tilted up to look toward the sky as he forced himself to stand once more. Could he see anything through the smoke? Was she up there? What did she do?

"Major!"

Kaidan refused to pull his eyes from his futile search for the Citadel. "What, Lieutenant Vega?"

The tank of a young man trudged up next to Kaidan, not looking pretty but not dead, either. "So she did it, eh? They all just stopped. …Hey, uh, you don't look so good."

"I imagine you don't either, James. We were just almost killed by a Reaper." _Damn it, where are you?_

A large hand gently rested on his shoulder, distracting him long enough to look over. Concern dominated the blood-streaked face watching him. "No, seriously. You look like you're about to pass out. Your biotics okay? You kinda looked like that before at the hospital."

Kaidan sighed and lifted a hand to summon a small bit of gravity as proof. "My biotics are fine, Ja-" Nothing happened. No familiar tug, no electrical tingle down his arm. Both men stared in shock. "What…"

"Well, _that_ ain't good. C'mon, we're getting you looked at right now."

" _No._ " He peeled away and limped a few tiny steps toward where the beam of light had been.

"What do you mean, no? You're limping real bad and somethin' is clearly wrong with you!"

He hissed through clenched teeth. "I am _not_ leaving without her." His hands balled up into fists as he forced himself to take another step. "Not this time."

"The beacon thing ain't even there anymore! How're you going to get up there? Transports are the other way; don't go loco on me now."

 _Damn it_. Vega had a point. Kaidan turned to stare at the younger soldier, fire in his eyes. "Help me get to a shuttle."

"But you're all bust–"

"I gave you an order, Lieutenant!" Kaidan rarely yelled; he felt it was warranted in this case. James muttered what were likely a million different Spanish curses at him, but the marine did nod and offer some support with an arm around the waist. Every step was agony, but he couldn't have cared less. All that mattered was getting his ass up to the Citadel and finding her.

* * *

A deep gasp of air – unexpected. Shepard felt warm. And confined. Safely trapped. Eyes refused to open; too much work. She smiled stupidly as she remembered Kaidan telling her that story all those years ago. The ending was particularly…sweet.

_Well, they beat every bad guy and lived happily ever after, of course._

At least one part of that story had come true; they _had_ beaten every bad guy. She managed to destroy the Reapers once and for all. The cost…the cost was too high, but it was necessary. Throughout her life, she'd tried to do the right thing. Think of the bigger picture. She saved the Council in the name of galactic stability, destroyed the Collector base in the name of keeping that information out of the Illusive Man's hands. She'd always made logical choices that served everyone, not just herself.

Hopefully all that good would outweigh the atrocity she just committed. The Geth, dead. EDI, dead. All the mass relays, gone. Galactic society as they knew it was over…but they all still had their dignity. Their free will. The Reapers were gone _forever_ and she just had to hope that wherever she was headed when the darkness closed in on her would take that into account.

The darkness was so inviting, so welcoming. Her head twisted, cheek resting against a jagged piece of metal. Her lids slowly lifted to let her gaze drift out the window. Looked like the Citadel crashed somewhere with a lot of people, a city. At least she would die on land. Horrible life on the streets or not, Earth was her home. It was only fitting she died here as well. Her eyes closed again and she sighed. Too bad they'd never have that happily ever after. She'd settle down horribly, anyway; better to spare him the migraines. Hopefully he'd move on in time. It's not like she planned on coming back a third time or anything.

She flexed her fingers – still functioning. At least her left arm wasn't broken. She carefully pulled it out of the rubble and reached to summon her omni-tool; hopefully those weren't busted in the technology explosion she had wrought. It beeped quietly, then gave an automated "no network found" error message. That seemed about right; her 'tool was directly connected to the relays. Those didn't _exist_ anymore. She cleared her throat. Her voice cracked. It hurt to speak. "Activate vocal commands."

It beeped. "Record audio message, store to local databanks." It beeped again, once to confirm and a second time to let her know it was recording.

"Kaidan…god, I hope you made it through that Reaper attack. If not, I'll be joining you soon. Hope I get into biotic heaven, or I'm going to be _pissed_." The reminder of their dark joke made her choke out a pained chuckle. "But…" She sighed and took a wavering breath. "But seriously. If you get this, I'm so sorry. I'm so tired. I just want to-" A cough cut her off. Ut oh, she tasted blood.

That wasn't good. "I just want you to move on this time. I mean it. Don't cling to hope. No one's bringin' me back again. I love you so much, and you know I'll always be watching your back. Sorry we'll never…get our ending." A finger jabbed blindly and the omni-tool's glow faded away.

Well, that was that. Time to die.

* * *

"None of the shuttles are working, Major. There's nothing we can do about it. The eezo cores just… _shut off._ It'll take at least two hours to start them back up safely."

Kaidan wanted to strangle the tech telling him no, but that wouldn't accomplish anything. Panic was slowly starting to rise around him as more and more people realized that the more advanced tech just wasn't working. "Well, get me something that runs on fuel. Anything. I have to reach the Citadel." It was a ludicrous request and he knew it. The tech's look told him all he needed to know. The answer was no again. "Well, how the hell am I… _argh!_ "

"Major, c'mon. I'll ask around more if you go get looked at."

He turned and sighed. "Fine. Fine. But you find me a damn way to figure out what the hell is going on." Vega nodded and helped him limp over to a field medic. When she realized who he was, she immediately began to test his vital signs with her omni-tool. At least _those_ still worked. With a salute, the lieutenant stalked off to find more information once he was securely in the medic's care.

"Sir, I'm not reading anything at all from your amp. Did you turn it off?"

 _Turned it off? What?_ "No, of course not."

"Hmm." She carefully peeled back bloody hair to stare at his implant site. "It's there, but I'm not reading any biotic activity. Have you tried to d–"

"–Yes I have, Corporal. It didn't work."

Worry twisted her face further. "Do you feel all right?"

He waved a hand toward the dead Reaper only a mile or two away from them. " _No,_ I don't feel all right. My ribs are probably broken in a few places, I just got blasted by that thing, the woman who just _killed_ all of them is still on the Citadel, and I can't get a damn shuttle to go and find her."

"Your ribs? Let me take a l–"

Their whole world shook. If the majority of London's buildings weren't already mostly toppled and decimated by Reapers, they would have crumbled under the force. Both Kaidan and the medic flew to the ground, scrambling underneath a nearby fallen wall. The few buildings left standing began to cave in on themselves, followed by more than a couple of cut off screams. They both winced; the casualties weren't done racking up today.

The rumbling lasted nearly a minute before dying down. "What the hell was _that?_ "

"I don't…"

" _Alenko._ We need to leave, _now._ " Vega lumbered up and stared at Kaidan with wide eyes. A trickle of blood ran down his nose; it looked like he got hit with some small debris, but this wide eyed look wasn't pain. It was worry.

He didn't like that at all. "…Why? What happened?" A quick look to the medic told her all she needed to know: go away. She scurried off after leaving him a packet of medi-gel.

 "I…don't know how to tell you this, Major."

"Then just _spit it out._ "

Vega looked to the north. "The Citadel…crashed… north of here. Scouts saw it from a watch tower. Completely destroyed the area."

His body pulled itself up. _Not now. No._ Kaidan meant it when he told her he couldn't lose her again. "I'm going there. Now." He raised his voice and shouted above the crowd. "I need to get to that crash site ASAP, Spectre business." His voice caught and he coughed a few times.

"You don't need to pull that Spectre business crap, Alenko. Everyone wants to find her." Vega patted his shoulder and helped him limp toward the vehicles. "Hey! Someone tell me which Mako here has enough fuel to get me north! _Now!_ "

A random tech was shoved into their path, likely by another shell shocked peer. "Um, Lieutenant, Major…there's one over here. It's almost full, and the armor is only damaged…a little bit…if that's okay…but it, um, _moves_." Kaidan gave the tech a halfhearted nod.

Vega answered for him. "Good enough for us. Let's go. Grab medics and some support, follow us in that one." His head jerked to a Mako with no roof. "We'll probably need it." The two men slowly pulled themselves into the vehicle and waited for the support team to load up their own transport. A few minutes later, they were on their way.

"God…" He coughed again. "Last time I was in one of these, Shepard was driving."

Vega started driving carefully, trying to avoid people. "Bet _that_ was fun."

His mind drifted back. He could remember the fierce determination burning in her eyes as she drove toward the Conduit. _Hang on, this is going to be a bumpy ride!_ "Heh. Yeah. Drove through the Conduit. Did a lot of crazy things that day…"

"Hey, hey, hey. Don't get all sentimental and quiet on me. The Commander's one tough, crazy sonnuva…listen, I'm pretty sure she's part Krogan. She'll be fine. Maybe she even took a joyride down, eh?"

The thought of Shepard joyriding the Citadel down onto Earth was a pretty damn funny image, Kaidan had to admit. "Heh. Maybe." He tugged his boot and sock off, wincing at the dried blood as it stripped away. Those toes were _so_ broken, purple and swollen. Some medi-gel would numb them until he could get to a real doctor. Finding her was priority number one, though.

_Just hold on._


	2. Chapter 2

She was taking way too long to die. If only she were Drell, like Thane; then she could just lose herself in some of her more torrid memories. Now _that_ would be the way to go out. A savage, amused grin cracked her pained expression as she wished for that ability. As it stood, Commander Shepard was _bored_ as she slowly bled to death. Damn her upgraded body, holding on for dear life.

 _Might as well take the time to do some productive thinking._ She began to ponder why she wasn't dead. That Catalyst AI was so sure she'd die. Yeah, she was part synthetic: that was a fact. She wasn't entirely dependent on it, though. They sped her healing, reinforced her bones, and wove defensive materials into her skin…but at her most basic, she _was_ flesh. Cerberus grew back pretty much all her core tissue. It's not like she had a pacemaker or anything. She was filled with real lungs, a real heart, and a real brain. _Wonder why that kid thing thought I'd die._

Well, she certainly _felt_ like death. To say she had searing pain constantly throbbing throughout every muscle in her body would be an understatement. At this point, she wished that the battery-powered defenses had failed in the atmosphere and she just burned to a crisp. At least then it would've been instant…and warm. She always hated being cold; came with growing up on the streets. Warm nights were a luxury. What she wouldn't give for a blanket right now. Better yet, she'd like to have Kaidan wrapped around her – he was pretty much her personal space heater. They joked it was because he was Canadian. Greenhouse gases had made Canada a much warmer place in recent generations, but the two of them initially bonded over sharing an appreciation for the humor of old stereotypes.

Time to pretend to be a Drell and pick a good memory to remember. Hmmm. _What about one before any of this crap happened?_ She thought back and plucked a fond one: the night they tried to actually cook dinner together. That did _not_ end well. The right corner of her mouth quirked up sadly as her mind drifted to a simpler time.

* * *

Another piece of debris thunked against the side of the Mako, the tank shuddering as it raced out of London. James winced and spared a split second glance back toward Kaidan. "You all right there, Alenko?"

No. He was not all right. A soft groan escaped as his broken toes jammed against the floor again. He definitely had a broken rib or five, he had fractured – maybe crushed – the majority of his left toes, and he had lost his biotic abilities. All his body wanted to do was collapse until doctors woke him up. Kaidan refused to let that happen, though. Not while she was out there. "I'll live. How far away are we?"

"Not much farther. What part should we check first? I need to start angling in that direction."

"Hell if I know. Maybe…argh!" Another shake jarred his ribs. "Maybe where all the arms meet. That's where the Crucible was supposed to attach, right?"

James nodded and frowned. "Yeah. You know, she's gonna be okay. Shepard doesn't know how to quit. Ever."

Kaidan sighed and leaned with a grimace to watch their progression toward the destroyed space station.

* * *

_"I, um… I just wanted to tell you…" Brown eyes shyly look into my own. I smile softly, silently encouraging him to keep going. A small kiss is pressed against his lips as a final nudge. It works, a calloused and scarred hand reaching to trace my jaw as he chuckles. "Hell, Lia; we've been dancing around this for a while now. I love you."_

_Happy warmth floods my surprisingly cold body. I grin stupidly in response. "I love you too, Kaidan." We quietly snuggle together on the small couch, darkness slowly bleeding toward us. It's a comforting, calm feeling. We're together and nothing can hurt us here. I burrow a little closer to him; it's so cold here._

_"You okay?"_

_I shake my head. "It's so cold. Tell me that story again."_

_He chuckles and kisses my hair. "Okay, Shepard."_

_"Shepard? You promised to never call me that in private."_

_He stares at me blankly, looking worried – sounding concerned. "…Shepard?" The darkness suddenly erupts into blinding light. I can't see anything!_

_"…Stop that!" Now I'm worried. Why's he acting like that? Everything gets cold again as the light fades to grey. I want the darkness back! It was warm!_

_"Kaelia!" Now he's gone. No!! Why does my wrist hurt? Where's the calm peace before I die? Or am I dead already? Oh god, am I going to hell? Where did he go?!_

_Suddenly his voice is in my ear…I can barely hear it. Tears stream down my face, the only warmth I feel against my skin. "Lia, if you can hear…don't give in. I meant it when…I can't lose you again. Fight. For me."_

_What the fuck is going on? I…it sounds like him. Did he find me? Maybe he's really calling me back. All I want to do is die, but…for him, I'll fight one more time. I ball up my fists and force the dark away._

* * *

"What the hell is  _this_ ?"

Kaidan had to keep looking down to ensure his body wasn't actually on fire; it sure felt like it was. Every step was sheer agony. Brown eyes peered around at the bizarre ruins of what looked like an observation deck as he leaned against a console. "I…have no idea. Let's…let's keep…looking." He was getting woozy on his feet.

A soft female voice cleared its throat. "Major Alenko, with all due respect, your concern for the Commander is admirable, but you need immediate care. We've been searching for over an hour."

He rounded to glare at the young woman. He recognized her as the second tank's driver. "Your medics can do whatever they want to me _after_ we find her." She looked ready to fight him on it – a pretty good sign of how bad he probably looked – when James shouted. His attention immediately drawn, Kaidan turned and limped toward the Lieutenant as fast as he could. The driver's footsteps faded away; he assumed she was going to go get the medics.

"Here!" Vega stood above a pile of rubble, carefully moving a particularly large piece.

Both Kaidan and his heart stopped when he noticed dried blood smeared on the metal. Adrenaline kicked in and he limped as fast as his leg would let him. He knelt next to the pile of rubble and began to uncover her as fast as he dared. Small pieces of debris scratched along the floor as he flung them away. "Shepard? Can you hear me?"

Her chest rose sharply before faltering in an outward sigh, body softly trembling. A thin groan escaped as he lifted the last piece of metal covering her head. Heavy footsteps thudded the other way; probably James going to find the medics…where the hell were they? Kaidan's hand gently brushed some hair away from her face. It was so pale. Too pale, really. She had lost so much blood…was bruised, cut beyond belief. She would probably end up with some crazy scars…but she was _breathing._ She was _alive_. The relief was palpable as he reached for her hand. "Shepard?"

She twitched once, shallowly wheezing for air. Dammit, she was fading. He urgently called for her, dirty hand squeezing her bloody wrist. "Kaelia!" No, she couldn't die. Not _now_. Things were finally over! He thought he heard footsteps, but all he could concentrate on was her face. Lips hovered over lips as his voice fell to a whisper. "Lia, if you can hear me, don't give in. I meant it when I said I can't lose you again. _Fight_. For me." He managed to plant a soft kiss on her blood-stained mouth before the medics gently pushed him to the side.

She gasped a full breath of air as Kaidan moved away, with Vega's help, to sit nearby. It was out of his hands at this point; all he could do was watch helplessly as field medics murmured and worked frantically to keep the woman he loved alive. When they finally pulled her body from the wreckage, his heart sunk. She looked… _broken._ Was this how she felt, watching him after Mars? Would she ever be able to walk? It would kill her if not…

"Heh. Donnelly better have my money."

Despite the non sequitur, his eyes never left her form, waiting and watching for a sign. Anything. "…What?"

James chuckled quietly. "Donnelly better have my money. We had a betting pool on if you two were 'fraternizing.' Joker got in on it, too."

"Well, that was a mistake."

"…Whaddya mean by that?"

The driver who was trying to corner him earlier walked over and gave Kaidan a tentative smile. "She's somewhat stable, but we need to fly you both out as soon as the shuttles get here. Now please, let one of us look at you while we wait."

Well, he _did_ tell her they could do whatever they wanted to him once Shepard was safe. He nodded quietly and pushed to sit next to the unconscious Commander. "So, the shuttles are working again?" She nodded. Well, that was something. He lifted his hand to try and summon his biotics again. It was like pulling teeth, but the familiar static charge tingled up his arm and into his hand. A small globule of gravity wavered and quickly dissipated on his palm.

"Your biotics not working right?" One of the older medics sat down with a sigh.

Kaidan shook his head. "No, it's like swimming in mud. Is Shepard going to be okay?"

Gauze and needles were laid out on a clean cloth. "She's stable for the moment. Maybe your amp was affected by that wave – it did shut down the shuttle cores after, all. We need to get this armor off of you before I can inspect the damage, Major."

The buckles on his armor were hard to pry open, but they finally succeeded in peeling it off of him. A quiet hiss accompanied the sight of his torso: a couple of ribs, very clearly broken. One was almost poking through the skin. Kaidan couldn't help a dry chuckle. "Well, that would explain the pain."

"Please, please don't laugh. This…is not good. You're not feeling like you're drowning, right? No bloody bubbles in your mouth?" His head shook as he sat back and the medic – name patch said Jonah – looked relieved at the answer. "I'm going to give you a mild sedative. It won't knock you out, but…how have you managed to…"

James walked back over and started clapping. "Looks like you're tougher than I thought there, Major."

"Can't lose my – ow! – edge, Lieutenant." The needle actually hurt more than his ribs; that made no sense. His hand slowly crept through the wreckage, finally finding her equally dirty and bloodied counterpart. A soft moan caught his attention and Kaidan inspected her face. It was twitching uncomfortably…probably all the dried blood causing her to itch. Just as he lightly squeezed her hand, she gurgled and started to cough up dark fluid. "Is that _blood?_ "

Jonah seemed awfully calm as he reached over to dab it up. "Yes, Major." The baleful look shot his way made the medic blanch for a second. "Let me explain! We injected some medi-gel to stop the bleeding. Her left lung had one puncture, but it's patched for the moment. She's just lucky it didn't collapse entirely. We used a tube to pump most of it out, but she's going to be coughing up the residual blood for a while. She's stable and getting air, I promise. We're monitoring her blood oxygen levels."

He wasn't a fully trained medic, but Kaidan knew a thing or two about field repairs. He'd had to perform a few on that same woman several times. This Jonah knew what he was talking about; Kaidan nodded his approval. "Okay, give me the cloth. You keep working on…whatever you're doing here." He held his arm out, receiving the rag in short order.

She gurgled again and he turned her head toward him, blood dribbling down her cheek. "Hey, I showed up. Guess you were right…it wasn't goodbye. You didn't pick a very good spot to wait, though." The rag wasn't very effective; it ended up just wiping the liquid away rather than absorbing it. Another bubbly groan was her reply. "Don't talk. Just…keep coughing this stuff up."

A few minutes later, it seemed she was done for the moment. Her chest slowly rose and fell as the Commander passed into sleep. Keeping half an eye on making sure that her breathing continued, Kaidan gently twisted his hand around her broken one. A soft, barely noticeable squeeze made him blink in surprise.

"Major Alenko, I understand you're…concerned for her, but we're going to need to put you under for surgery as soon as we reach somewhere safe enough to operate. Those ribs need to be set."

He nodded. She'd kill him if she found out that he refused at this point. "That's fine. If you can get a call to the Normandy, tell them we all made it out. They'll come and keep her company."

Jonah smiled awkwardly and spun to leave. A second later, he stopped mid-step and turned with his hands outspread. "Please don't wake her if you can help it…and don't move, either."

"I won't, Doc." Kaidan bit back a pained laugh as he carefully pulled his hand from hers and brushed away a few flakes of dried blood from her cheeks.

"So, uh, what did ya mean, that was a mistake?" James sat amidst the rubble, watching the two with curiosity.

Kaidan could tell the sedative and pain killers were kicking in; he actually felt good enough to allow a lopsided smile as he tucked some red hair behind her ear. "Joker's known for years."


	3. Chapter 3

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

_Man, that noise was annoying. Shepard reached over and slammed the alarm clock again. It kept beeping; probably broke it last time she tried to hit snooze. Groaning, she tried to sit up – pain immediately laced through her entire body. "What the…"_

Her eyes shot open, but quickly fused back shut. That bright light was searing. Muffled voices and beeping swarmed around her. Was she dead? Was she watching herself die? An out of body experience? Ugh, she felt horrible. If only everyone else would stop…talking…maybe she could focus…

"Commander?" One voice rose above the others, strangely familiar. That accent, the odd combination of authority and genuine concern…Chakwas? Everyone else thankfully shut the hell up when she spoke. Now if only someone could make that frantic beeping stop…her headache was getting worse. Shepard finally forced one eye to crack back open; eventually the doctor's face materialized in her view and stayed _put_. It even smiled. "You had us worried there, Shepard. Stay still – you're not out of the woods yet."

The second eyelid slowly lifted itself, eyes blearily looking around. Was she on the Normandy? What did…did she…was it over? Did she dream all of it? Were they actually destroyed? Words tried to form, but her mouth was too dry. Tasted like blood, too. All she could manage was one dry syllable at a time.

"Rea-" She erupted into a coughing fit.

Impatience quickly took over the doctor's tone of voice. "Don't _talk_. Too much coughing and your lung will collapse again. If we lose the savior of the galaxy to a collapsed lung, I'll never forgive myself."

'Savior of the galaxy?' Sounds like she did pull it off. Relief began flooding through her body, only to stop with cold realization. Where was Kaidan? He'd be right here if she were in that bad shape… The last she saw him was before…oh, no. At the beam. When Harbinger… _No._ She tried to sit up, but the restraints around her arms kept her firmly in place.

A few hands reached to gently keep her lying flat, pressing her shoulders down to the medical table. Chakwas sighed. "I know you don't take well to sedatives, Shepard, but I'm going to have to give you another dose if you don't settle down."

After slowly blinking a couple of times, she could see a bit more clearly. She was _definitely_ in the Normandy's medbay. Her head wasn't strapped down, but the tubes and sensors slapped everywhere kept her from being able to turn her head completely. There were a few others in here, but she could only see the people directly across the way; she'd recognize Vega's ridiculous mass of muscles a mile away. From the looks of it, his head got hit pretty badly. Was that…Cortez? Good, he made it out. But where was Kaidan? She couldn't see or hear him anywhere…

That annoying beeping sped up a little bit. _Beep beepbeep beep beep beepbeep_. Chakwas sighed again and walked over to press an amazingly warm hand against her forehead. God, that felt good. "Shepard, I'm going to sedate you again. The cybernetic implants are dead and your body's having a hard time coping without them."

Dammit! She cleared her throat and tried to croak out a question."Wh–" She didn't make it past the first syllable again before wincing. Her throat felt so _raw_.

"–Commander, stop speaking." The syringe gently poked her arm, yet another prickle of pain floating along her skin. Dammit, no! She had to know.

One final push, one final attempt. "Kaid… K…" Ugh, Chakwas gave her a big dose. She could already feel the effects slowing her down.

The doctor's haggard if friendly face floated through her vision as Shepard fought to keep her eyes open. She thought it smiled at her; maybe that was just her projecting hope, she couldn't tell. The last words she could make out eased her panic before falling back into darkness. "Major Alenko is stable."

* * *

Brown eyes shot open and quickly took stock of where he was. How did he get from the Citadel's wreckage to…the Normandy? Damn, did he actually pass out before the shuttle got there? A slight shift shot unimaginable pain through his torso. God! Why did his ribs hurt more now that they were set? At least Kaidan assumed they were set – he didn't have that rogue bone almost poking through his skin any more, and he was bandaged up. He looked up to the ceiling and quietly rasped a call to the ship's AI. "EDI?"

Nothing. Well, that made no sense…she's always a call away…

"Hey, Loco. You finally awake, huh?"

Kaidan looked over to the owner of the voice, blinking in confusion. "…Loco?"

James laughed quietly and shrugged. "Finally found a nickname for you, yeah? You gotta be crazy to do all the stuff you've done. Fits like a glove." The muscular young man stood up, picking at the bandage around his head. "You both've been out for hours."

Ugh, this pain was getting worse. It was torture to breathe. Kaidan groaned. "I…crazy?" He shook his head softly. Whatever. Vega was always a little eccentric. "Where's K– Shepard?"

"Right there."

He followed the hand gesture, eyes finally finding her. She looked…bad. Just as pale, in a full body brace, even strapped down; nearly obscured by all the sensors and equipment attached to her.

"She don't look too good. They thought they lost her a few times, but managed to pull her back every time. Somethin' about her implants bein' dead. Body's havin' a hard time coping without the help."

Kaidan hissed as he tried to shift and see her more clearly.

"Hey, don't move. I'll go get the doc." He trudged out.

Where _was_ EDI? Something was wrong. Was he dreaming again? God, his throat was dry, too. It was hard to speak over the beeping of monitors, but he had to talk to her. She was a fighter, but she looked _bad._ "Hey. If you can hear me, I'm okay. Don't…ugh…don't stop fighting. It's all over. We won. You did i–"

His sad attempt at a pep talk was cut short by the arrival of Chakwas. She sighed with a smile as she walked in. "Major, how are you feeling?"

"Like I'm breathing fire: really pointy fire." Might as well be honest.

She chuckled. "Yes, it would. Your pain meds wore off hours ago, but you've been asleep the whole time. Rather remarkable, until you take into account the utter lack of sleep both you and the Commander had been getting prior."

Vega laughed as he walked to sit back on his med bench. Damn, he wasn't going to let that one go later.

Kaidan tried to shrug with one shoulder, wincing. "Stress." He held his arm out for the shot of pain medication Chakwas was loading up. "How's she doing, Doc?"

"To be honest…" She shot the pain killers into his arm before turning to look at Shepard. "I don't know. She's stable, but very weak. The implants that helped bring her back weren't keeping her alive, but they were doing a lotof the work. I doubt she'll ever make a full recovery."

His heart sunk. Chakwas wasn't one to mince words. If she said she wasn't sure if Shepard would ever make a full recovery, she probably wouldn't. "How…"

Pain cut through his thoughts as a cough wracked his body. She winced and grabbed him a bottle, pushing its straw into his mouth. Warm, glorious, soothing water trickled down his throat. Nothing had ever tasted so amazing. "Ugh…thanks. Do you think she'll make it?"

His mood lightened when she nodded. "Yes. She should be able to live normally, but I don't think the Commander will ever serve again. I wouldn't call her an invalid, but she's not going to be the same soldier from before."

Chakwas patted his arm and placed the bottle in his hand. "You need to stay here for another two days; medi-gel is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't work instantly. Don't get up without assistance." She cut him off before he could begin to speak. "And no, I won't move your bed closer. We need room to work if she crashes again."

He sighed. Oh, well. A few more days and he could just sit there anyway. "Okay. Thanks, Doc."

"My pleasure, Kaidan. Now rest." She turned to point at James. "And you, Mr. Vega."

The Marine almost whined. "Whaaaat?"

"Stop spending all your time in here. Your head injury isn't serious at all."

"Aww, you can admit it, Doc. My young, powerful physique is distracting you. It's okay, I won't judge you."

Chakwas acted out the facepalm that Kaidan was internally visualizing. "Lieutenant, I'm leaving now. I order you to go get some exercise. _Doctor's_ orders."

James groaned and called after her as the door slid shut. "Fine!" He scraped up a chair next to Kaidan's bed. "Hey, willing to override her order?" He grinned.

Kaidan slowly shook his head.

"Aww, c'mon, Loco!"

The bottle slowly found its way back to his mouth, more delicious water flowing down his throat. "So, how did I earn the name?"

"Seriously? How are you _not_ loco?" A large arm waved through the air. "You've pulled some crazy shit: helped hijack the Normandy way back during Sovereign, you were gonna try and get to the beam, tried to take that EVA robot on by yourself…and I've heard rumors about some of your covert missions after Shepard died. You've done some seriously insane things. Hell, you're with _her._ " His thumb jabbed back, hazel eyes following a moment later. "I dunno, man. Dating Shepard? That's like…I don't even know what that's like. It's just crazy. _She's_ crazy."

Kaidan's mind drifted back to their conversation before everything tumbled out of control. _Are we gonna make it, Kaidan?_ The public image, Alliance blue armor and guns blazing, was definitely part of her, but that wasn't all she was. He turned his head to watch as she slowly fought to keep living. Yet another fight. When he looked at her, he didn't see Commander Shepard. He saw a woman, naked and hunched over with the weight of a galaxy on her shoulders, unsure if she could handle it all. Quietly asking him in the dark if they would survive yet another desperate grasp at victory. He smiled softly.

"Woah, now it's awkward in here. I'm, uh, I'm gonna go. Don't, uh, go anywhere." James stood up and saluted before tromping out.

Kaidan sighed and settled back down. "We made it. Somehow." Needless reassurance to her out of the way, his eyes slid shut. Hopefully Garrus or Joker would visit soon.

* * *

Green eyes slowly slid open, blinking a few times. Where was she? After some mental processing, Shepard realized she was in the Normandy's medbay. A few moments later, all her memories came rushing back in a wave: the beam, the Illusive Man, Anderson, that AI, her decision, waking up earlier. Ugh, god, she felt like hell. She moaned once and was startled by a sudden movement to her left.

"…You're up?"

Kaidan's voice was a balm to her ears. She slowly tilted her head to the side, giving him a weak curve of the lips when their eyes met. When she tried to greet him with a simple, "hey," nothing but a rasp of air and sharp pain in her throat came out. Shit. She wasn't going to be mute, was she?

"Don't talk; your throat's too dry. They took out the feeding tube a few hours ago." His hand reached up and brushed some of her hair to the side. The weak smile he gave her was laced with pride. Her gut wrenched at the sight.

She didn't deserve his praise. She killed an entire species, and probably doomed everyone else to a slow, disconnected death. The relays were _gone._ Shepard fought against the pain and eventually managed to pull her head back around, breaking their gaze. The tone in Kaidan's voice told her that he noticed the raw guilt in her eyes.

"Hey...what is it?"

Shepard slowly shook her head and shut her eyes. _Go away, Kaidan,_ she silently pleaded.

His hand trailed down her arm, ever careful of all the hookups, and enveloped her hand. The determination in his voice made her lips twitch despite herself. _You were always stubborn._ "You're on forced medical leave at the moment – don't try to order me out; I wouldn't go anyway, and you know it." He paused for a moment; she felt his other hand rest on her forearm. "Listen, I don't know what happened up there, but…you _did it._ Things are still crazy, but the Reapers are gone. Whatever's going on, remember that."

Admiral Hackett's words about Sanctuary, the words she said to the Illusive Man only minutes before becoming the biggest hypocrite known to history, echoed through her mind.

_The cost was too high._

_You've sacrificed too much._

No. Nothing Kaidan could say would make it better. She didn't open her eyes, hoping he would just _go away._

"I'm staying here until you can talk, and then you're going to tell me what's wrong."

Dammit. Shepard's eyes cracked open and wearily watched him as he leaned to gently kiss her hand.

Kaidan looked up to her and sighed. "…You're _not_ getting rid of me."

Fine. She gently squeezed his hand and closed her eyes again. Let him think he's in love with an honorable woman for a while longer. He'd learn the truth soon enough.


	4. Chapter 4

"…So I did the only thing I could. Nothing else made sense. I wish there could've been another way, but…"

Kaidan gently ran his hand up and down Shepard's arm, trying to soothe her. He had never seen her so upset.

"They're all gone, and it's my fault. Just like Virmire. And the Bahak system…Aratoht. Horizon. I wanted to save everyone, but it all came down to ruthless calculus." She sighed and quietly watched his hand for a brief moment before shrugging it off.

He frowned, but let her curl away from him. "Lia, you did the best you could. Destroying the Reapers is what everyone wanted. Not…becoming half machine. And you don't trust yourself to have that kind of power. I'd be more worried if you did."

Shepard sighed again, shaking her head slowly. "No, Kaidan. You can't explain this one away. I made my choice and I have to live with it."

Silence hung in the air, the heart monitor the only sound piercing it. He watched his hand twist the sheet, trying to think of the right thing to say. There _was_ no right thing to say. She was right: she did make her choice and she did have to live with it, but he trusted her judgment implicitly. Shepard would _not_ idly destroy an entire race. She just wouldn't. Kaidan said the only thing that came to mind as he reached to lightly rest his hand on her hip.

"I still love you."

Her head quickly twisted, gaze meeting his. "…What?"

"You heard me. This doesn't change anything."

Green eyes slowly began to fill with tears; he leaned forward to wipe them away when they fell. Humanity's first Spectre had finally reached her breaking point, shaking as she started to sob. Kaidan immediately pushed her to the med bunk's side and sat down, ever careful of the wires still plastered against her skin. He laced his arms around and held her close.

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Hackett set down the datapad and folded his hands on the desk. He looked to Kaidan as he sighed. "I know I don't have to ask, but this report  _is_ accurate?"

He nodded silently.

"Major, how can…" The admiral paused. "I trust her as much as you, but you do realize how absurd this sounds? Are you sure she didn't hit her head?"

Kaidan knew that was coming. Shepard's report of what happened _did_ sound like something out of a bad dream: a hyper-advanced AI hiding in the Citadel, responsible for creating the Reapers to keep organic life from wiping itself out with synthetics? It made no sense at all. But more than he knew how insane it sounded, he knew _her._ She wouldn't lie, not to him and not about something so important. Didn't the Reapers themselves sound just as ridiculous only three years ago? She was right about them, too; not that it ever felt much like a victory, being right.

"Admiral, I know it sounds insane, but all the medical reports show she has full mental functionality and shows no signs of brain trauma. Most said the same things about the Reapers back when she tried to warn everyone."

The blue Alliance officers' cap dipped in a nod. "I believe you, Alenko. While the loss of the Geth is regrettable, overall, Shepard is a damn hero. They can't make a medal big enough to commemorate saving the entirety of organic life for the rest of time."

Kaidan imagined her being presented with a medal bigger than she was. The thought of her reaction – probably a rolling of the eyes and walking away – made his lips quirk into a smile.

"And as for your…fraternization."

Both his eyebrows rose. Hackett was going to bring this up now? "Yes, sir?"

The Admiral sighed and rubbed his temple. "At least you're not denying it. How long has it been going on?"

Damn. He couldn't gauge which would be better: the truth or saying it was recent. Technically, both were true… _technically_. It was probably better to take the hit for telling the truth than it was for lying, though. What if they asked her the same question once she was considered fit for release? She'd never agree to lying, anyway, and they both always did share that penchant for integrity.

He was honest. "Ilos."

Hackett seemed…impressed? The older man leaned back into his chair, folded hands resting against his stomach, thumbs playing with a button on his uniform. Time seemed to stretch as he silently contemplated. The chair slowly swiveled from side to side.

Just as Kaidan was about to ask why it mattered right now, the admiral began to speak.

"Technically, you two should be reprimanded, but honestly, I don't care. Your team, specifically Shepard, just saved us all. Speaking of the Commander, is there any more news from Doctor Chakwas?"

Kaidan sighed, half relieved when their relationship was brushed off, and half upset at the reminder. She _had_ given him more information, and it wasn't information Hackett was going to like hearing. "Yes, sir. After her final surgery, Shepard is going to need at least a month or two of physical therapy before she can be released as a civilian."

As expected, the admiral did _not_ like that answer. "Shepard. A civilian."

"The implants they used to bring her back are dead; Chakwas thoroughly examined Shepard, even doing some exploratory surgery, and there's nothing we can do about it. The tech doesn't exist anymore, and without her implants, she'll never be the same again." His discipline had gotten better during the two years he thought she was dead, and Kaidan's throat barely managed to keep from closing at the thought of Shepard's reaction to this news. They still hadn't told her yet.

Hackett sighed and stood up, walking over to look out the window. "Will she have any complications, or will she just never be fit for combat again?"

It was a little surprising that question was asked, but its answer was the one comforting thing Kaidan continued to hold on to. "No known complications, but she'll never be cleared for duty again…much less for high risk N7-level and Spectre missions again."

"And how are you two coping with the news?"

Okay, now _that_ one threw him off. Kaidan stared at the older man's back in shock. _What do you say to that?_

"I've gotten to know Shepard very well throughout her career, Major. You could even say I consider her a friend or protégé. How are you two coping with the news?" Hackett never turned his gaze from the sight outside.

Kaidan paused before admitting the truth. "Doctor Chakwas and I agreed it'd be better to wait until she's recovered from the last surgery before telling her. She…is not going to take it well, and we don't want any more stress on her body before it's done being cut up."

The admiral nodded and turned. "Sounds reasonable. Unless you have anything else for me, you're dismissed, Major."

He saluted and smartly turned to leave before pausing mid-stride and spinning back around. Kaidan had meant to do this later, but now seemed appropriate. The last thing he wanted to do was make it a big deal, anyway. He took a deep breath. "Sir, there is one thing."

"Yes, Alenko?"

"Last night, I sent a message informing the Council of my resignation. I'm no longer a Spectre and am under the full command of the Alliance again."

Hackett didn't seem surprised at all. All he did was slowly nod and salute Kaidan. "Welcome back, Major. Plan on retiring from the Alliance any time soon, too?"

"No, sir; but I may ask for non-combat consideration."

A short, professional nod of acknowledgement later, Kaidan knew he was dismissed. He walked out of the office and checked his omni-tool for any messages. The only one he had gotten was from Garrus, letting him know the turian was heading out tomorrow and asking when would be a good time to stop by the hospital. Unfortunately the farewell would probably be a final one. FTL still worked, but with the relays down, that kind of trip was one way for species with a lifespan comparable to humans.

That goodbye would be a hard one for Shepard; Kaidan definitely wanted to make sure he was there for it. He tapped a quick response and headed out of the building. It was a short walk from the temporary Alliance headquarters to the hospital.


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing Kaidan saw as he headed toward Shepard's room was Joker waving his hands at the guards. What was he doing? The movements looked stiff, hyper-aware…even angry. Hands were clenched, uncurling long enough to repeatedly adjust the hat on his head. As he got closer, the pilot's comments finally came into earshot.

"–What? Oh, c'mon. I've known Shepard longer than both you guys've even heard of her. Let me in. I'm Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau…how do I not have clearance to go in there?"

Kaidan's brow furrowed; Joker sounded even angrier than he looked. He cleared his throat as he walked up to the trio. "What's going on?"

Joker's shoulders tensed before he twisted to stare at Kaidan. "You're here? Of _course_ you are. I need to talk to Shepard. Now. Let me in." Arms folded across his chest; something in his stance worried Kaidan.

"What's going on, Joker?" He paused, trying to choose his words carefully. "Why do you need to see Kaelia this minute?"

"Oh ho ho, first name basis now, huh? Must be nice to not sneak around." Jeff frowned and tossed a datapad at him; Kaidan barely managed to catch it just before it could fall to the ground. "Your _girlfriend's_ report. Seems I'm privy to that intel, being a junior officer of the Normandy and all."

A bad feeling settled in the pit of Kaidan's stomach; not only did he know that Joker was _not_ cleared for this report, but the contents of it explained why he was so upset.

"…How did you get this?"

Frail hands carefully clenched as Joker stared at Kaidan. No response was uttered, only red-rimmed eyes accusingly shooting daggers in the Major's direction.

He tried again. "How did you get this report, Flight Lieutenant?"

A sigh escaped. This was not a pleasant confrontation; Kaidan was quietly thankful that Shepard should still be asleep inside. He wouldn't want her to have to hear it. "I know you didn't have clearance for this report, Moreau. How. Did. You. Get. It."

"Let me in, Kaidan."

"Don't you 'Kaidan' me. You're not talking to _anyone_ until I know how you got this report and what you plan on saying to her." Kaidan tossed the datapad back to the younger man, who didn't even flinch as it lightly thunked against his thigh before clattering to the floor. The sound echoed down the empty hallway.

Joker stared at him, words slow and whispered. "You know what I plan to say to her."

_And that's exactly why I'm not letting you in._

"And the report?"

Green eyes narrowed. "You act like I'm still with Cerberus; some friends in administration owed me a few favors. _Sorry_ for trying to figure out why EDI is…gone." Joker paused before glancing down to the datapad strewn on the ground. "I thought Shepard was better than that." He looked back up to Kaidan, a small bit of sadness flashing in his eyes before rage took over again. "Guess I was wrong."

Before Kaidan could think of a response, the pilot kicked the datapad and began to walk away. He was torn between sympathy for Joker – Kaidan knew too well what it was like to lose your lover – and anger that he had tried to barge into her room and yell at her. Unsure of what to say, but unable to let their old (former?) friend walk away, he called after him. "Joker…"

"Fuck you." Joker stopped long enough to speak, spine straight. He never turned back around. "Fuck you both. I hope you're happy together. You deserve each other, what with all the abandoning people who trusted you."

He wanted to retaliate, but all he could do was stare at Joker's back as the man left. There was nothing he _could_ say; the poor guy had begun to get over EDI's loss, but clearly finding out who was responsible for his partner's death had reignited the anger. Hell, if someone had come to _him_ two months after the Normandy blew up and gave him the name of the exact person responsible for Shepard's death, Kaidan probably would've done the same thing…or worse.

Shaking his head, he turned around and nodded to the two guards. "Marines, you do realize this conversation is not to be repeated?"

Both saluted and barked back an affirmative.

Kaidan nodded and swept his omnitool across the security panel. The doors slid open and he stepped into cool, oddly comforting darkness. As he tiptoed his way across the room, he couldn't help but feel upset; during their mission against Saren, Joker had become a good friend to both him and Shepard. The three of them, and Garrus, had bonded throughout their time together. They even jokingly referred to themselves as "Shepard's Boys" at times…that always made her burst into laughter. What he would give to hear that laugh again.

He sat in the chair next to her bed, convinced he had managed to sneak in without waking her up.

"Tell him I'm sorry."

The forlorn, whispered sentence was unexpected; Kaidan jumped in his seat. He stood up and brushed his hand on her cheek – no tears, just a pale, upset expression. He frowned. She had been doing better. "Listen, he's grieving right now. He didn't mean what he said."

"I'm grieving, too. All of them. I know it was the right choice, the only one, but…" A deep, unsteady breath exhaled in a whisper. "...The cost was too high."

Kaidan nudged her. At this point, she was used to it; she scooted to the side and allowed him to lie down next to her. Even Chakwas had given up trying to scold him about sharing her bunk. His arms wrapped around her, lips gently pressing against her temple. Despite the soothing motions, he couldn't help a bit of reprimand from sneaking into his voice.

He had reached his limit of watching Shepard degrade herself. Grief, even excessive grief, was to be expected…but she had been spiraling into a deeper and deeper depression over the past two months. It was beyond time for her to start healing. Kaidan couldn't sit by and let her beat herself up any more. He just couldn't. No one messed with his Lia, not even her.

"Shepard." He only called her Shepard these days when she was being unreasonable. "Stop blaming yourself. Anyone with good sense would have made the same call as you. If I had beat you to the beacon, it'd be me sitting here, upset. If that _was_ me, you'd say the same thing I'm about to say to you." He spoke slowly, enunciating every word. "You acted with integrity. They gave you no choice."

She seemed ready to protest, taking a deep breath as he pointed out it could easily have been him. His reference to her response after he had shot Udina immediately quieted her. She paused, mulling over what he had just said.

Which meant he needed to drive the point home. "No one's given you a choice this whole time. It's _my_ fault you activated that beacon on Eden Prime, it's _Saren's_ fault for trying to work with the Reapers in the first place, it's _Cerberus's_ fault that it took so long to finish the Crucible, and it's the _Catalyst's_ fault for saddling you with that decision. You've done the best you could with what you were given, and I'm telling you that as a fellow Spectre and officer. If you won't listen because you think I'm biased, believe me as _them._ I wouldn't lie to you."

The only response he got was silence. Shepard curled up against him and never replied. It was a good start; at least she wasn't trying to argue with him again. He kissed the top of her head.

"Now get some sleep. I'm not going anywhere and the final surgery is tomorrow."


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey."

Kaidan looked up and smiled widely. "Hey, Garrus. How're you doing?" He stood to shake the turian's hand, dinner immediately forgotten.

A scarred smile greeted him. "Been better, been worse…mostly worse, for once. What about you?"

"Her surgery went well, so I'm good. Hey, uh, you haven't run into Joker today, have you?"

"…No, why?" Garrus sat down at the table, careful to avoid touching the human food on it.

Kaidan sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Okay. Well, he somehow found out about EDI; Shepard heard him yesterday when he came to yell at her. I managed to keep him out, but she still heard it."

A sigh escaped Garrus. "Damn, seriously?"

"Yeah. He was _really_ mad, but I…well, let's just say I understand."

Garrus shook his head. "That's just what he does. Come on, how many times have you seen Joker say something before thinking?"

The human exhaled one wry note of a laugh. "Yeah."

"Give him a few weeks, he'll be back…and probably more reasonable."

"You think so?" Kaidan raised an eyebrow; he didn't seem so sure.

A quick nod answered the question. "So, what exactly did she hear?"

"I don't know, but assuming she heard everything… Well, he didn't exactly _say_ much, but he did say that he thought she was 'better than that' and that we deserved each other because we abandoned people who trusted us."

"Oof." Garrus winced. "That last one probably hit a weak spot." He paused. "For both of you, actually."

Kaidan sighed when it got quiet for a second. Horizon would always be an awkward memory for those who were there. "You could say that."

"So that was it, though? No yelling or threats?"

Brown eyes shot to the floor. "I'd almost have preferred them; it was pretty hard to see him so unraveled."

"Hmm." The low, alien voice rumbled. "Unraveled is the word I would've used to describe you back after Shepard died. Joker will snap out of it eventually. You did."

"Maybe. C'mon, she's been awake for a while." Kaidan waved for Garrus to follow.

Instead of following, the turian stayed sitting and motioned for him to follow suit. "What about you? Are you taking it okay?"

Kaidan blinked before sitting back down. No one had ever stopped to ask him how he was feeling. "Taking what okay? Joker? Yeah, I'll be fine. Like you said, he's just venting right now. Can't say I blame him."

"No, not that; everything. We've had our differences, Kaidan, but I always considered you a friend. One I wanted to hit at times, but that's what good friends do." Garrus grinned at him, mandibles twitching.

He couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah, I can see that. Everything? Hell, Garrus, I don't know. I haven't really had the time to sit and think about anything short of making sure she's alright."

His friend nodded. "I heard it was pretty touch and go for a while, but that is the most damnably stubborn woman alive. I knew she'd pull through in the end. But really…how are you doing? You almost lost her a second time. That couldn't have been easy."

It was uncomfortable even thinking about how close it had come at points. He propped his elbow on the table and rested his forehead on a palm. Despite how shitty things got, everything seemed like it was going to work out in the end; was he upset? A little. Hard not to be when the woman you love almost died three times while you helplessly watched. But dwelling on it – the very same thing he scolded her about last night – wasn't going to solve anything.

"It's been rough." Despite all the logic running through his mind, he couldn't help the strain in his voice. "Not going to lie. But…things will be getting better now. I'll be fine, and she'll…live. It's not perfect, but what the hell has been?"

A gloved, taloned hand gently patted him on the shoulder once. "Not much, that's for sure. I wish I could stay; I'm beginning to think I should've been born human, but I'd rather not live off of dextro-paste for the rest of my life. _Plus_ all your women might end up falling for my devastating charms."

Kaidan laughed and stood. "If any turian could manage to woo all the human women away from us men, Garrus, it'd be you."

"Yeah, and I'd rather not be single-handedly responsible for the demise of humankind. Shepard would kick my ass." Garrus crossed his arms.

"Speaking of her, we should probably head over there."

"You done eating?"

He inspected the hospital food for a second and then shrugged. "Yeah…it wasn't that good, anyway. Besides, she 'ordered' me to bring you in ASAP."

His friend stood back up and laughed as he followed the Major out of the cafeteria. "Still trying to order people around, huh? Some things never change."

Kaidan headed down a long hallway, unconsciously stepping on the sunny patches littering the floor. Cleaning the windows wasn't exactly a top priority at the moment. "Yeah. Hopefully she'll snap out of it completely."

"…That doesn't sound good." Garrus halted, making Kaidan stop mid-stride and turn.

The human sighed and crossed his arms. "She's gotten better, but Kaelia's still in one hell of a slump. I kind of snapped last night and told her that she made the right choice, and there was no point dwelling on it. She's not mad at me, but…well. You know how she is when other people turn her usual approach back on her."

"Do I ever." Garrus laughed at that. "Hope I help instead of make it worse."

Kaidan shook his head and led Garrus to Shepard's room. "You'll be fine. She seemed to perk up when I mentioned you wanted to stop by, even if it was to say goodbye."

The two stopped outside the door. Kaidan bit back a smirk when the two Marines guarding it stared at and saluted Garrus with near-awe. His friend's "heroic" actions on Omega had begun to twist into what he liked to consider 'tall tales' among the younger members of both militaries. Garrus probably helped that image along with his stories – most of them true, Kaidan had no doubt. An omni-tool swipe later, the door slid open.

"Garrus! How are you?" The doctor's unmistakable accent rang through the room.

Kaidan politely walked around Chakwas, letting her speak with Garrus for a few moments. As he headed toward Shepard's bed, she wearily waved and smiled; a good sign.

"Hey, feeling better?"

She shrugged with her unbandaged shoulder. "Doc made me eat some food and I only mostly feel like hell. Suppose that's a start."

"Yeah, it is." He reached to tuck some red hair behind her ear. "You up to saying goodbye?"

Kaidan was worried whether Shepard could handle it, but her response quickly belayed those fears. She nodded firmly and sat straight against the incline of her bed. "I am. Do you mind if I talk to him alone first?"

He blinked at the request, a completely irrational surge of jealousy creeping its way up his spine. "Uh…I guess not. Can I ask why?"

"Heh." She hadn't truly laughed yet – internal injuries had a way of making that a bad idea – but her twisted grin brought him some hope that she would fully recover. It also told him that she wasn't completely peeved at him anymore. "Don't worry, I'm not going to run off with him or anything. We've just been through a lot together, ya know?"

The jealous feeling lingered in his mind, but it had shifted from feeling a little threatened to envy. He wasn't with them all the months they had worked on taking the Collectors down; Garrus and Shepard had _months_ of history and fighting together that he didn't. Of course she'd want to say farewell in private, and Kaidan had no right to question it. He made his choice at the time, right or wrong, and that was it. He nodded and smiled, noting as her shoulders relaxed in response.

"Yeah, I do. Just buzz my omni-tool when you're done."

At her warm smile, he leaned to kiss her hair and murmur a quiet, "Love you," before heading out. Time to chip away at some paperwork.

* * *

Shepard sighed and leaned back against the pillow. Her head was still pounding from the surgery – nothing better than waking up after having someone digging around in your head to make sure your biotics weren't damaged. The door slid shut and Garrus headed to stand next to her bed.

"I've got my sniper rifle outside if you're feeling up to it, Shepard."

She grinned and cracked her eyes back open. "I'm takin' you down, Vakarian."

The turian awkwardly sat in the chair nearby. "Sure you are. If we have a "who's got more bandages on" contest, I'm sure you'll kick my ass."

"Always do."

Comfortable silence stretched between the two; the only noise was her heart monitor steadily beeping. She twisted her head to give him a weak smile.

"Glad to see someone's here and not yelling at me."

Garrus shifted. "Yeah, I heard about Joker. You know he's just blowing off steam, like after the Collectors attacked the ship. He yelled at you then, right? Said something about heading off because it was all your fault, I think."

Shepard's mouth twisted into a frown. "It's not the same, Garrus. I had no idea the Collectors were going to attack the Normandy. This time…" She pushed to look at the ceiling again. "This time, I made the _choice_ to do that. I knew EDI and the Geth would be dead when I did it."

"And what the hell does that change?"

Her whole face mimicked the frown on her lips. "What?"

The gravelly dual-toned voice held a note of admonishment. "What does it matter? We didn't talk much about it, but I'd bet my left mandible Kaidan's told you more than once that you made the right call. I'd bet my right one that you refuse to believe him because he'd tell you Noveria has a tropic climate if you wanted him to…and you're both right. He may be trying to make you feel better, but I'm not. I'm telling you the truth: it was the right decision, Shepard. Blaming yourself for the consequences is only another way of letting the Reapers win. _They_ engineered the options to be this way, not you."

Halfway through the chiding, her head had turned and she stared at him with wide eyes. Garrus had always been the one she could count on to tell her when she was being stupid, or point out the truth when it wasn't so pleasant, but he had never flat-out scolded her before.

"You know I'm right."

She sighed and carefully rested her bandaged temple against the pillow. "You really believe that?"

He nodded without hesitation. Shepard smiled weakly in response.

"Alright."

"Joker knows it, too. He just likes to yell for a bit, flail his arms, break a bone or five."

Shepard nodded, but some of the fire was back in her voice. "You're right. It'll take some time, but…you are right. Thanks, Garrus."

"We spent how many years together and you still haven't learned that I'm always right?"

A snort of laughter and smirk was shot his way. "Always, huh?"

Garrus grinned. "Yep."

"So it was the _right_ decision to get cornered by three merc groups and then take a rocket to the face? I'm beginning to question your fabled turian wisdom."

The memory brought back both a laugh and grimace. "About as good an idea as it was to headbutt a krogan."

She began to cross her arms, but was quickly deterred by the heavy cast lining her left arm. "For your information, Vakarian, that was the proper thing to do from a cultural standpoint."

"Mmm, and I'm sure the minor concussion was intended."

One visible, red eyebrow – the other was hidden by gauze – rose. "Well, I think my scarring is going to be worse than yours. So I win in the end."

"Win? Win what?" Garrus sat back and waved a hand to the door. "Planning to blow off Alenko and go after Grunt, instead? I bet male krogan find scars just as attractive."

Her eyes bugged out before visibly biting back a roaring laugh. He smugly let Shepard contain her laughter in silence.

A few moments later, Shepard had herself under control. She shot him a fond look. "Are you sure you've got to go?"

Garrus shifted. "Do I have to go? No, I don't have to. Hell, you and I both know I've never been a very good turian…but I want to see my family again, Shepard. See my home. War has a funny way of making you miss all the stuff you know will drive you insane, but can't help but want it anyway, you know?"

"Not really." Her smile twisted into a wry version of itself. "Never had family."

"Bah, you know what I mean."

She nodded slowly. "Yeah, I do."

"Listen, Shepard…I'm no good at goodbyes. You know that. But…well, it's been an honor to know you."

"Likewise, Garrus. We've been through hell and back together…well, more than a few times. Hard to believe it's only been a few years, huh?"

He nodded. "Yeah…best few years of my life, though. I'm going to miss you."

Shepard carefully tried to push herself up with her one good arm. "Garrus, I'm not that good at this kind of stuff either, but…" She paused and sighed. "Well, I just want to thank you. Throughout everything, you've always stuck by me. A real friend I can always count on, no matter what. Not many people I can say that about. I'll never forget you."

"You're not going to propose marriage to _me_ now, are you?" He grinned.

She blinked and began to burst into laughter…only to get one note out before doubling over in pain.

Garrus winced and looked around. "Uh…you gonna be okay? I'll go get Chakwas…" He sprung to his feet and headed out, looking up and down the hallway.

"Hey, I'll…ungh…I'll be okay. C'mere." Her voice floated out of the room, making him turn to blink.

"You sure?"

Shepard nodded and slowly straightened to sit again. "Yeah. Here, I'll ping Kaidan if it makes you feel better."

Garrus walked back and stood near the foot of her bed. "Not really, but if it makes _you_ feel better, I understand."

"I don't _need_ him around, you know." Her fingers danced on her omni-tool; lucky that her omni-tool wrist was the one in the cast.

"Uh huh."

Green eyes flicked up to stare at her turian friend. "I'm gonna miss you, Garrus."

"I'll miss you too, Shepard."

The two awkwardly smiled at each other for a few long moments until the door slid open and the Major walked in.

"All done talking about me behind my back?" Kaidan smiled at the both of them.

"You're not that important, Alenko; we were too busy figuring out a way to decide who keeps the space hamster."

Shepard smiled through her wince as she rubbed her side. Kaidan raised an eyebrow in concern, but decided not to pursue when his response was a glare.

"Well, it _is_ a fine hamster."

Garrus thumped Kaidan on the shoulder. "Yeah, but we're a little worried someone on my ship will try to eat it. Dextro-paste is only oh so appetizing for long periods of time."

She sat back and looked to the two men. "Poor little Boo. All he wants is a wheel, some food, wood shavings to crap in, and to not be eaten by a hungry turian."

"Well, I can relate; that's pretty much my checklist for a successful life." After a friendly pause, Kaidan turned to offer his hand in a handshake to Garrus. "I'll miss you, Garrus. Thanks for everything."

The turian gladly – probably a bit too strongly – shook Kaidan's hand. "It was one hell of a ride, Kaidan." He turned his head to nod to Shepard. "Kaelia." He paused. "You know…I think that's the first time I've ever said your first name."

Shepard snorted a quick, safe laugh. "Took ya long enough, Garrus."

"Don't worry, if we ever get interstellar messaging back up, the first thing I'll do is send you an extranet message full of nothing but 'Kaelia' repeated over and over."

"Need a bad guy shot up? Turian cupcakes baked? Extranet message spam? Vakarian's your turian." Her eyes twinkled with unvoiced laughter as Kaidan voiced his mock pitch.

Garrus played along with it, rubbing his talons against his uniform. "You know i-" A small alarm began to beep from his omni-tool. "Ah, damn. Already? I need to get going."

At the sudden imminent departure, Shepard's eyes began to shine with tears. "Don't want to miss your ride; pretty sure it's the only one you'll get."

"Yeah, I doubt they'll turn the ship around. Listen, Shepa- Kaelia. I'll never forget you, either." He looked to Kaidan a moment later. "Both of you."

Kaidan nodded. "I'll walk you back to the entrance." Brown eyes flickered over to look at Shepard. "Will you be okay?"

She nodded quietly and cleared her throat, back under control again; a good sign. "Could you get Chakwas? I think I busted a stitch laughing."

He paused to watch her for a second; when it was clear she wasn't kidding, he nodded. "Yeah, I'll grab her on the way back." Tapping on his omni-tool, he jogged to catch up with Garrus.

A few hallways later, Kaidan spoke up. "Thanks for making her laugh."

"Anytime. Well, not anymore; but you know."

"Yeah."

The two rounded another corner, only a few turns from the entrance. Garrus's dual-toned voice was low and thoughtful, even as his eyes never wavered from looking straight ahead. "You better take care of her."

Kaidan blinked and shot a look over to the turian, a little defensive. "I am, and I will."

"Good." Garrus nodded. "She doesn't have a father, and I'm honestly not that much older than the two of you, but Shepard needs someone to say this to you. I'm expecting to get, years from now, far out of date wedding invitations in the mail that I'll just have to decline. Got it?"

The human stopped as they walked into the main lobby, sun shining through huge glass doors. He turned to stare directly at his friend, dead serious. "You don't have to tell me twice. But it's not the right time."

Garrus gazed thoughtfully at Kaidan for a moment before quietly asking, "When has it ever been?"

Kaidan had no response.

A quick handshake later, Garrus nodded. "Have a good life, Kaidan."

"You, too, Garrus."

Moments later, the turian was out the revolving door…and out of their lives forever. Kaidan couldn't help but feel a small pang of loss in his chest. Saying goodbye was never easy. He sighed and brought up his omni-tool, typing in a message.

_Shepard thinks Garrus made her bust a stitch laughing; might want to check in._


	7. Chapter 7

"Good, Commander. Now give me five more lifts with your left leg and we'll call this session." A bright, gentle voice reflected off the pool water.

Shepard glared daggers at the peppy young woman giving her polite instructions. If there was one thing she hated more than being told what to do, it was not being able to outperform the expectations placed on her. Every time she commanded her leg to push through the water, the damn appendage took a second to respond to her. Unacceptable. A few months ago, she was running and somersaulting through battlefields – now she was having issues doing a few simple leg lifts? She was Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy and all that jazz…but she couldn't even run a mile?

Water sloshed up and landed in her eye when her leg finally surfaced. "Ack." She rubbed her eye with a free hand. "Stupid leg."

"Just four more, Miss Shepard."

"Okay." Now _that_ was annoying.

She stood straight and stared at her physical therapist. "Listen, Penny. You know I appreciate your help, but do _not_ call me Miss Shepard. It's just…silly. I'll do these last four leg lifts if you promise to never call me that again."

Pale blue eyes blinked widely above a confused but genuine smile. "What should I call you, then? Commander seems so formal, but Shepard just sounds odd."

"All my friends call me Shepard. Don't worry about it."

"Well…okay, Shepard."

Satisfied, the marine continued with her final four leg lifts. They hurt way more than they should have, but if there's one thing she had become accustomed to, it was pain. "Ugh, finally done."

Penny beamed at her. "Good job! Your reaction time is much quicker than we thought it would be. Remember not to strain your muscles too much – they've only started building back up again. Relax tonight. You worked hard today!"

The damnably likable young woman – she couldn't have been over 22 – hopped right out of the therapy pool and waved before disappearing. Shepard slowly waded her way toward the stairs, opting to wearily sit on them instead of getting out of the pool immediately. Warm water lapped at aching shoulders, the ends of her bright red hair floating around.

"How'd the first session go?"

A low, near-primal groan was her reply.

Kaidan laughed. "That well, huh?" He walked over to her and sat at the edge of the pool as she looked up to him mid-yawn. "Charming."

"Aren't I always?"

He reached to run his fingers through her mostly damp hair. "Always. Ready to head out?"

It hit her: she was _leaving_ today. After one more checkup with Chakwas, she was a free woman. Well, sort of free; she had to come back for physical therapy three times a week, but still! She could go wherever she wanted. No more hospital food! The relief was palpable. She sighed happily as she slid underwater, finishing the exhale with a flurry of bubbles.

Kaidan reached to pull her back up to the land of the air-breathing. "Let's get going. I've got a big challenge for you later, if you're up for it."

Shepard perked right up and looked to him. A challenge? He knew she loved those. She smiled. "I hope it's a good one."

"Trust me; it's one you've never encountered before. I promise. Now go get dressed so Chakwas can clear you for release. I'll wait in the hallway." He easily got to his feet and headed out to do just that.

She grinned widely and pushed herself up, strength renewed. What surprise did Kaidan have in store for her?

* * *

Kaidan leaned against the hallway wall and crossed his arms. More than anything, he wanted to head into the locker room and see if she needed any help, but he knew better than that. Shepard would want to do everything for herself that she could, and something as simple as getting dressed definitely qualified for that. His lips curved into a small smirk as he imagined her reaction: probably throwing something at him and yelling at him to stop coddling her. It was hard to hold back, but he was trying. Time would tell if it was enough, but he hoped that she could tell that he  _was_ trying to let her do things on her own.

The two of them hadn't even wanted to publicly "come out" as a couple, preferring to hide themselves away, but Chakwas convinced them otherwise. She told them that people needed to see something positive, something hopeful; apparently their relationship qualified for that. Shepard in particular wasn't so sure, but Kaidan saw the logic in it. That didn't mean he _liked_ it, though. He always did hate being in the spotlight, even if she never seemed to care – both had drawn the line at putting it on display, though. No interviews about it. _None_.

He checked his omni-tool's clock. Hopefully she'd finish soon. He was so ready to be away from the hospitals, the surgeries, the awkward pauses when they blatantly broke the rules just by holding hands.

* * *

A challenge, huh? Shepard sat down and pulled her pant legs on one at a time. Being too tired to even stand for such a simple task was infuriating, but it was better to reserve her energy for this challenge Kaidan promised her. He knew her better than anyone, so it had to be something good: simple enough to do in her state, but just difficult enough to make her work for it.

Blindly reaching for the shirt lying nearby, she began to think back to her early days in the Alliance. Kaidan had been doing some teaching and training while they were…apart…and it was easy to imagine he'd pull ideas from there. Speaking of which, she made a mental note to ask him if he'd heard from any of his students since things calmed down.

Maybe he'd challenge her to a match of using their biotics to toss stuff around? Hmm, or perhaps laps? No, too simple. Wait…

_Trust me; it's one you've never encountered before. I promise._

One she'd never encountered before? Well, that just blew all the recruit-hazing ideas from boot camp out of the water. Shepard yanked the shirt over her head and grabbed her socks. What _could_ it be, then? She took a brief moment to reach and touch the dog tags around her neck; Kaidan could surprise her at times, when he really tried. Excitement built again when she realized that she really had no idea what was planned.

For once in her life, it might not be a bad surprise! She yanked hair out of her face and set about finishing getting dressed.

* * *

Man, the energy she felt a mere half hour ago had been wiped away already. Shepard merely… _existed_ as she sat on the examination table while Chakwas finished up prodding her implant.

"Well, you certainly pass all the usual checks, Shepard. Can't say I'm surprised, but it's still nice to see. Was the physical therapy as taxing as it looks, or are you just pale?"

She groaned and shifted. "Pretty brutal, but I've dealt with worse."

The doctor smiled warmly. "I'd say so; namely everything that's happened in the past few months. Just keep in mind that your biotics need to be used sparingly for a few more months. They're functional but extremely draining." Her pen scribbled down some final notes on the chart.

"So I can go, then?"

Chakwas nodded. "Yes, but two things…and one of them you won't like hearing." She paused until Shepard sat straight and met her eyes. "First, keep up with your physical therapy. It's intense, but the faster you regain and then maintain your muscle mass, the better your body will cope without the implants."

Shepard smiled weakly. "I'll be doing hand to hand in a few weeks, Doc. Just give me the word."

"That's…the other thing."

She blinked as Chakwas shifted uncomfortably. Whatever it was she was about to be told was clearly not something good. "…What is it?"

The doctor paused, and then ventured a gentle question. "Would you prefer it if Kaidan were in here for this?"

Apprehension slowly began to build in the pit of her stomach. "…I'm a big girl, I'll live. What is it?"

"You're…well, there's no easy way to tell you this, Shepard. You've been placed on involuntary medical leave. Permanently."

The foreboding she felt moments before soured into anger. "What?"

Chakwas sighed and grabbed a nearby datapad, showing it to her. "Taking into account even _your_ amazing ability to recuperate above and beyond normal capacity, there's no way you will ever regain full physical capabilities again. You won't be an invalid, Commander, but you won't ever enjoy the same stamina or strength. Essentially, you will simply be as healthy as a civilian. Excessive stress – such as being in combat – could cause serious complications." She paused. "I'm sorry."

"So I'm just…done? The Alliance doesn't want me anymore?" Shepard would have punched the examination table if she wasn't so tired from the therapy.

"Quite the contrary! You will never be cleared for combat duty again, but you are still Commander Shepard. If desk life doesn't suit you, you'll be a young retiree with every honor possible." Her friend was clearly trying to help her feel better, and it wasn't working.

Never be cleared for combat? Never go on a mission again? What kind of life was _that?_ It was all she'd known since enlisting – her entire life for the last fourteen years. "Desk duty? You can see _me_ doing desk duty?"

The doctor patted her shoulder before scribbling one last note on the datapad. "No, I can't; that's why I said you'd be welcomed as a retiree as well. I doubt anyone would blink twice at you asking for a quiet rest of your life. You've certainly earned it."

"What if something else happens? What if the krogan decide to stop playing nice, or the rachni decide they'd rather not disappear to sing songs or whatever? Who's going to be able to take care of th–"

"–Do we have a problem, doctor? Commander?" Hackett stepped into the room. "I take it I'm not intruding?"

Chakwas shook her head and gave Shepard an apologetic look. "No, Admiral; I was just telling Shepard about her new…role."

"Ah."

She bristled under the simple acknowledgement. "Sir, you can't do this to me. What if something happens? Who's going to take care of it?"

"The same people who did before you, and the same people who will after you. You were a damn good soldier, Shepard; I'd argue the best…but every soldier knows that eventually their time runs out. Whether it's death, injury, or old age, one day the armor needs to be hung up." He walked over and politely motioned for the datapad. After Chakwas handed it over without question, Hackett modified a few things.

She respected the admiral in pretty much every way possible, but the nonchalant way he was editing her file – her very future – had her seeing red. "Sir, I deserve more than this."

White eyebrows rose in surprise, blue eyes beneath them held what she swore was bemusement. "The past few years have been nothing but war, Shepard. If there's one thing you _deserve,_ it's getting a break from it all; I'm not sure you want it, though."

"I don't."

"Well, you have no choice." The datapad was handed back to Chakwas, who quietly took it to the corner terminal to update something.

Her anger stopped dead in its tracks. Damn it all, Hackett was right. She didn't have any choice. Even if she did convince the Alliance to reinstate her for combat, she'd probably keel over dead from a heart attack in the middle of the battlefield…and that'd put even more people at risk. She nodded miserably. "Sir, yes, sir."

He sighed and eased his stance for a split second. "I don't like this any more than you do, Commander, but the facts don't lie. You won't be fit for combat situations. If you want my opinion, I say retire with honors and go sleep for a few months. It's what I'd be doing if I was in your shoes."

She quietly saluted him, a bitter but understanding glint in her eye.

"I'll be in touch." Hackett saluted in return and headed out of the room.

The doctor finished her work on the terminal before walking to stand next to Shepard. "It isn't the life you had planned, no doubt, but let me say that I'm glad to see that you still have this option. It has been an honor and privilege to know and take care of you, Shepard."

" _Karin_." Shepard looked up. "Stop calling me Shepard, and why does it sound like you're saying goodbye?"

"I'm not saying goodbye; I'm only telling you it has been an honor. We'll be seeing each other three times a week until your therapy is completed." The warm smile sent her way made Shepard feel a tiny bit better. "I insisted that I remain your primary physician."

She smiled back. "Of course you did…alright, doctor, is there anything else or can I light out of here and get really drunk?"

"I recommend not getting drunk, but you've never listened to my medical advice before. If your facial scarring begins to reappear, contact me immediately. I want to know if the repairs continue to hold." Chakwas helped Shepard stand and motioned to the door. "I'll see you in a few days, Kaelia."

The simple gesture of saying her first name helped shake off the last of the shock. "I will. See you around."

* * *

"Hey, ready for your challenge?" Kaidan smiled widely as she slowly headed toward him. As she got closer and closer, his smile faded. "…Lia? What's wrong?"

Shepard was trying hard not to look as lost and frustrated as she felt, but clearly she was doing a horrible job of it. She gave him a weak smile. "Not here. Where are you staying?"

He frowned, but led her outside. The sun felt amazing as it began to dry the last of her pool-dampened hair. "Is everything okay? They didn't find any complications, did they?" They walked across the street – everything was still littered with debris, it made her sad – and turned left.

"No complications. I'm as free as I can be. Freer than I expected, really." A bitter note snuck into her voice; she couldn't help it.

"Ah, shit." Did he _know?_ He sounded like it…

Kaidan pulled her between two buildings to talk away from prying eyes, but they were both clearly disturbed by the eerie similarity to their farewell before the final push toward the beam. "Sorry." He lightly tugged her hand and they continued down the broken sidewalk instead.

"To tell the truth, I've been living at the hospital. Part of that challenge I wanted to give you involved deciding where we stay."

Shepard paused in front of a half-destroyed tree, looking over to him in confusion. "What _is_ this challenge? I'm tired, but at this point I'm more curious than anything."

He scratched the back of his head with his free hand, brown eyes darting to inspect the cracked bark on the tree; classic nervous-Kaidan signs. She squeezed his hand to get his attention again.

"It was, uh. Well, we can either find a clean hotel room for a few days or take a quick shuttle to my family's orchard in the interior."

She stared at him. What kind of a stupid choice was that: stay in a city still reeling from utter destruction or head out away from people? "That's…not much of a choice, Kaidan."

Kaidan blinked and took a step closer, shoulder brushing hers. "My, um, mom is still there."

"Oh." Well, that changed things…or did it? From all his stories, his mother just seemed like your typical housewife, kind and doting. It couldn't be that bad, could it? She tilted her head. "Why is that a challenge? Is your mom going to yell at me for dragging her baby into danger at every corner?"

"What? No, of course not. I just wasn't sure if you were feeling up to it."

If he was going to be such a worrywart for much longer, Shepard might have to box his ears. "Chakwas said it best, Kaidan: I'm not an invalid and I'm not going to be. Stop treating me like I'm a glass doll."

He had the good grace to at least look admonished at her tone of voice, a sigh floating from his lips. "Fair enough, I'm sorry. It's just…hard to believe all the danger's actually passed, you know? I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."

She understood all too well. The two of them had spent the past three years running all over the galaxy, helping avert one universe-ending catastrophe after another. Her eyes drifted to the pistol on Kaidan's hip before noting her own gun snugly holstered against her thigh. Actually quieting down and not expecting Geth, Cerberus, Thresher Maws or Reapers to jump from behind every tree and start shooting at them was proving…difficult for them both. Shepard decided it was time to pull out that humor-laced bravado he claimed to love so much about her.

"Well, the only shoes right now are the boots we're wearing. Come on, let's take that shuttle. I could use some quiet, and really want to be as far from the hospital as possible."

Kaidan nodded and gently pulled her hand. "The station's just around the corner."

"Think the Reapers left me any apples?"

"Maybe apple _sauce_."

"I'll take it."


	8. Chapter 8

The further their shuttle sped away from Vancouver, the less stale the air got. Her eyes were closed, but her nose did not lie. It was even more comforting than she expected. Cities always bothered Shepard, given her "upbringing" in one. She wouldn't go so far as to say she was claustrophobic, not in the slightest, but the overwhelmingly oppressive feeling she would get from the buildings towering over her was unmistakable. As a kid, she felt trapped by them; little Kaelia knew there was no way to escape.

Until she saw that Alliance Navy holo-ad. The scrawny little girl with unnaturally bright hair was captivated by the picture of a woman in armor, leading troops with a determined fire in her eye. No one was pushing her around or telling her she wasn't important enough for anyone to care about her. It was right then and there that she decided that image would be her one day. Her friend Maliha helped gather information on what was required of recruits: literacy, strength and spirit. She lacked for nothing in the spirit department, and strength could be worked on, but Kaelia never had any type of formal education. It was painstaking, teaching herself to read, but every frustrating hour was worth it. She would stubbornly do chin-ups while Maliha flashed scraps of paper with words on them.

In time, she was literate enough to read the application form. The two women never told the Reds what Kaelia was planning on doing; it wouldn't have gone over well, seeing as she was going to ditch the gang for the one organization that could actually protect her from them. A few months before turning eighteen, she decided that she couldn't wait any longer. It wasn't like there was any official documentation as to her identity…and the Alliance needed all the soldiers it could get. A few months early wouldn't be a deal-breaker, and no one would _know_ , anyway.

It took more convincing than she thought it would, but Kaelia's sheer determination impressed the recruiter. All the physical and aptitude tests were passed with flying colors and she managed to fill out the application well enough for his approval, even with a pretty inadequate "essay" on why she wanted to join the Marines. The straightforward honesty in divulging her past also got his attention, _thankfully_ in the positive sense; it probably helped that she had never been asked to go on any serious raids or jobs. No one wanted the skinny kid with no experience. The only thing she lied about was her age. Everyone thought Commander Shepard was a little over three months older than she was; she told them April 11 but her birthday really was (as far as she knew, anyway) July 3.

That was the day her life changed forever. She remembered it like it was yesterday.

_"You sure you want to do this?"_

_The emphatic nod would have bounced her bright red hair, if it wasn't so staticky. Maliha had spent half an hour brushing it so that there were no more tangles, and the abuse showed in the wisps that flew around. "Sir, yes, sir!"_

_The recruiter – a Corporal Lee – couldn't help but crack a smile at her enthusiasm. "I'm not an officer yet, Kaelia. No 'sir' is necessary, but thanks." He sighed and sat back, staring at her chart. "Well, I may regret this, but I'm going to give you a pass, kid."_

_Her heart leapt. She made it in!_

_"You've got too much potential to ignore; you learn_ fast _. We need bright young men and women to join the Navy. It will be tough, demanding, and the best experience of your life. Will you serve?"_

_'Will you serve?' Those three simple words, the traditional phrase uttered to all new recruits, were the most beautiful sound in the world. Kaelia Shepard jumped to her feet and gave Corporal Trayden Lee the best, most enthusiastic salute of her life._

_"Sir, yes, sir!"_

_He didn't correct her this time, just nodded and slid the papers across the desk. "Welcome to the Marines, Private Second Class Shepard. You ship out for training tomorrow." He paused, realizing something before adding, "If you need somewhere to stay, we have a cot in the back room."_

_As Kaelia headed to find her 'room' for the night, she marveled at how he had actually thought about her well-being and cared enough to offer shelter – safe shelter – for her last night in the city. Was that the way it normally was in the military? Maybe it wasn't just recruitment talk, and the Marines really did look out for each other. The thought overwhelmed her: she was part of something bigger now. Someone would care if she went hungry or got hurt._

_Private Second Class Kaelia Shepard lay down on the makeshift cot and closed her eyes. Tomorrow, she headed out as an enlisted soldier. As she drifted off to sleep, dreams of the woman in Alliance-blue armor floated through her mind._

"Hey, wake up." A deep, husky voice washed over her ear.

Bright green eyes opened, slowly adjusting to the bright light. Staff Commander Kaelia Shepard, almost fifteen years older from the time of that dream, looked up from Kaidan's shoulder. Did she really pass out? Stretching and sighing, she sat straight. "Sorry; didn't think I'd actually fall asleep."

A familiar voice rang from the driver's seat. "It's alright, Commander. I think I can speak for Major Alenko as well when I say it was good for the both of us to see you smiling while asleep."

 _Cortez?_ Her eyes met shockingly blue ones when he turned to give her a brief, white smile. She couldn't help but reciprocate. The two of them had developed a close friendship during their time on the Normandy. More than a few late night talks about death, faith in love and moving on had brought them together.

"Why didn't I notice it was you when we got on this shuttle, Steve?"

Kaidan lightly squeezed her shoulder. "I practically had to carry you onto the shuttle; you wouldn't have noticed if it was the Illusive Man himself flying us."

Thinking about the late head of Cerberus piloting the shuttle made her snicker. "No, but my gun would've." Both men shook their heads at the joke. Shepard shrugged and rolled her neck. It wasn't her fault they didn't appreciate quality humor. "So, how far out are we?"

"Actually, we're pretty much here." Cortez quieted down and went about the business of landing. Soft beeps echoed from his console.

The Reapers had definitely reached the orchards before being destroyed. The outer shell of one lay a few kilometers away, crushing a large amount of trees. She winced and pointed out the window. "You weren't kidding about applesauce."

Kaidan hollowly chuckled and nodded. She could tell he was worried and nervous. Geez, they helped save the galaxy twice now, and he was getting antsy over coming home? There were times that Shepard was positive she'd never completely understand men; this was one of those times.

"Worried that your mom's okay?"

He shook his head. "No, I saw the reports for this area; I know she checked in as alive."

She frowned. "You didn't contact her?"

"No, why?" An innocent and blank expression greeted her.

Kaelia groaned and hid her face with both hands.

"Uh, Major Alenko? You didn't contact your mother before showing up?" Even Cortez got it, sounding near-mortified.

Kaidan's voice was dripping in confusion. "No?"

"Kaidan." Shepard looked to him and placed her hands on both sides of his face, pausing for emphasis once brown eyes met hers. "How are they informing military families when thei–"

" _Shit_." Now he got it, tearing away to stare at the house now a few dozen meters away. "I…oh, god _damn_ it. I should go talk to her first."

She nodded quietly. "I wanted to talk to Steve for a minute anyway."

He shot her a grateful look before practically leaping out of the shuttle and sprinting toward the figure already emerging from his house. A tinge of jealousy hit her when she realized she was too tired to even imagine running that fast.

* * *

The front door had flung open as soon as that vehicle appeared in the sky, wide brown eyes shining with tears.

"…No…"

Not again! That damn shuttle had already ripped her life into pieces, and Vivian couldn't handle it again. The second Paul told her he was going to go report for active duty, they both knew it was goodbye. Nothing about their final farewell was easy, but the two of them knew that was it. There was closure, the chance to say everything they needed to say. Months later, when the Reaper nearby crashed into the ground out of nowhere, that tiny spark of hope in her heart that refused to extinguish itself had flared back up. Maybe, just _maybe_ he had made it. She spent week after week with no communications, eyes constantly looking to the horizon justin case he'd make it back.

When the Alliance sent people to take a census of who had survived in their town, she reported in and asked after her husband; no definitive answer. Still she hoped beyond hope that it wasn't too late, that one day he would come home. Then that shuttle appeared. Vivian was sure this was it! He'd be injured, but alive. Paul would walk across the lawn, confident as always and laugh as he asked her if there was any doubt that he'd survive.

He didn't swagger out. Two men she didn't recognize came to the door with a datapad; their faces were respectful, but somber. Her heart fell. Her husband of forty years was gone. She didn't even register what they were saying, nodding and shutting the door on them after they handed the notice over. She might have said thank you, but everything was hazy. The datapad was heavy in her hands and she dropped it to the floor. Vivian followed suit in short order, silent. She didn't even cry. The void growing in her chest was all she could concentrate on. He was _gone_. Knowing it was likely didn't make the news any easier.

First this shuttle took away her husband, and now her son? Their only child? The little boy they both had loved and fed and raised and watched with pride…just gone? When the news of Paul had really sunk in, she mourned him; she was sad, but they had lived a full and happy life together – there was no regret. But Kaidan? The last she saw her precious son was over a year ago, when he took some time off to visit them between missions he naturally couldn't talk about. They had smiled and hugged and said "see you later," since she hated the word "goodbye." But…she wouldn't see him later. She'd never see him again! No closure, no farewell, nothing. Rage welled up in the void that her husband's death had left.

The anger slowly forced her legs to move forward, one at a time. They felt like lead, unwilling to take her toward the shuttle. Once she made it there, her life would be completely shattered. With each step down, a different memory buffeted her: Kaidan, her little beetle-bug, big brown eyes filling up with tears after cutting his arm on a rock; Kaidan, broken and quiet, awkwardly expecting her to hate him when he was shipped back from BAaT; Kaidan, her strong young man, telling her that he planned to enlist in the Alliance; Kaidan, her thoughtful son, sending a small souvenir from each planet he visited while out on deployment.

No, he couldn't be gone. She refused to believe it.

The shuttle's door slid open and a familiar man jumped out, running toward her. Was she going insane? It couldn't possibly be…

"Mom!"

That was his voice! Sullen grief swelled to unexpected joy before bursting out in the form of laughter.

* * *

Guilt coursed through every vein in Kaidan's body. How could he be so stupid? They were still notifying officers' families in person when a body was confirmed. His mother probably thought the worst the second she saw their shuttle dip below the clouds. He cleared his throat.

"Mom!"

Her loud peal of laughter echoed toward him, familiar and surprised. Phew, at least she knew it was him. He slowed to a brisk walk, opening his arms as he moved toward her. His mom ran into and hugged him, laughing happily. Kaidan couldn't help but grin like an idiot. Things were insane out there, but some families were okay. Not all of them weren't completely broken. Selfish or not, he was so glad that his was among them.

"Kaidan Alenko!" She pushed back to stare at him with both happiness and tears. "Why didn't you get in touch with me? I've been worrying for weeks!"

Yep, there was the guilt again. He sheepishly reached to scratch the back of his head. "I'm sorry, Mom. I wasn't thinking straight with everything going on…as soon as I could get away, I came here. I should've sent a message first."

For once, she didn't correct him. Her arms crossed and she sighed sadly, voice colored with what he called her 'mother voice:' veiled frustration. "You should have contacted me, you're right. You…" He blinked at his mother as she reached to run a hand along his forehead, her tone softening. "You already have some wrinkles? Oh, honey… You look even more like your father."

Grief hit him anew when his eyes really connected with his mother's for the first time; they seemed hollow, distant. He could tell that losing his father had hit her hard. Kaidan may have had a few early wrinkles, but his mother's eyes were empty and surrounded by bags. She probably wasn't sleeping well. He leaned to kiss her cheek and hold her close. "I'm sorry about Dad, Mom. He went out there to help protect you, I know it."

"I knew who I was marrying, Kaidan. He'd never sit something like this out, not with so many people dying every day." Even the way his shoulder muffled her voice didn't disguise the cracking. "It doesn't mean I miss him any less. I'm just…" She squeezed him close, letting a few sobs escape.

It was all he could do to keep his own emotions in check. Holding his mother while she wept – if he knew her, for the first time – was difficult. His father would have been proud at the way he kept control, being strong for her. At this point, Kaidan had years of training in suppressing everything. Certainly not healthy, but at that very moment, he was glad for it. He gently patted her back and waited.

A few minutes later, a gentle breeze swept over them. Her shoulders rose in a deep breath before pushing him away. "Thank you, Kaidan. I'll be alright; I just need some time." She brushed her tears away and stood straight, her smile awry with grief. "I'm just so glad that you're alright. It's…a relief." He couldn't help but reach to squeeze her hand.

"I am alright, and I'm here. I love you, Mom."

Her smile turned up a small bit, only to be replaced with confusion as she looked behind him. "Why is the shuttle still here?"

He turned to look. The shuttle's engine wasn't even on. He was sure Shepard and Cortez were having a great time guessing if he was getting yelled at or not. Oh, right. Shepard. _Shit._

Kaidan cleared his throat and stood straight, hand resting on his mother's shoulder. "Well, uh, that's because there's someone I want you to meet."

"…Honey, is this what I think it is?" Tired though she was, confusion mixed with hope laced through her voice. She had been hounding him for years to stop pushing everyone away and settle down. He had never told his parents about the relationship with his C.O.; his dad would have been furious at his jeopardizing a career over something like that and his mother would _not_ have been able to keep from telling.

He nodded quietly.

"…Now?! You should have told me sooner! The orchard is a mess, and I'm just wearing my cleaning clothes. Kaidan!" She shook her head and brushed some dust off of the simple jeans and button up shirt she wore. He may not have been a fashion designer, but his mother looked perfectly fine to _him_. As if Kaelia of all people was going to care. She was more likely to ask if she could pass out in the grass than care what his mother was wearing.

His omni-tool lit up and he sent a quick message to hers. They had synched theirs up a little while ago to the makeshift satellite that the Alliance cobbled together, giving text-only communications back to the general populace. A new, legitimate one was on its way; that one should include some vid-feeds. "Mom, she's not going to care. It's been weeks of surgeries and she's not one for caring what people look like."

Fingers ran through long black hair intertwined with white strands; he had noticed that more white was there every time he saw her. "Still! How's my hair?"

"Uh, like hair?" He had no idea what to say to that, eyes deciding to rest on the shuttle instead, waiting for the two most important women in his life to meet.

He shouldn't have had that burger for lunch. His stomach was churning.

* * *

"Well, if she's yellin' at him, that family has a funny way of showing it." Shepard pointed out the window as Kaidan's mom hugged her son again.

Cortez laughed quietly. "She's probably just happy he's alright."

Kaelia caught the note of sadness in his voice and reached to place her hand on the man's shoulder. "Hey, remember what I said. Robert'd understand that you miss him so much, but he wouldn't want you to let it ruin everything else. The future is what you make of it." She smiled.

"I know. It's getting better, too. Just need a little alone time away from crowds of people, you know?"

Her smile twisted into a wry smirk. "Why do you think I'm here?"

Steve chuckled. "Fair enough. So, do you think he's going to do the typical 'introduce you to his mom, then pop the question that night' thing?"

"Hah!" She looked back out the window to Kaidan. "Hell if I know. Sounds like something he'd do, though, doesn't it? He always was a little old fashioned."

"It's why you two work so well. He's just simple and honest enough to keep you under control."

She snorted a laugh. "Under control? Just what are you implying, Lieutenant Cor–"

Shepard's omni-tool interrupted her with a beep. Cortez laughed. "Looks like you're up, Commander. Good luck. I'll be here on Monday to save you from talk of babies and dogs."

"Hey, I love dogs." She grinned and gave him a wink before checking the message; yep, Kaidan pinging her. "See you next week, Steve." After a moment of careful balance control, she stood up and reached to grab both their bags. Kaidan had forgotten his in the rush to make sure his mother was okay. Ugh, what did he _pack_ , a bunch of bricks? She groaned and dragged the bags along while trying to maintain her usual confident stance. It was not going as well as she had hoped.

Boots met grass for the first time in months. Scorched grass, but it still invoked that sense of calm. The shuttle gently lifted into the air and headed off, blowing her hair and dirt all over the place. Shepard muttered as she dropped a bag to tuck hair behind ears again. "Dammit, Cortez."

She looked up and bit back a loud laugh when she saw Kaidan make a dead run for her again. He really was forgetting things lately. Hopefully it was just stress. The last few weeks had been pretty grating on both their nerves.

An apologetic glance was thrown her way as he grabbed his bag. "Sorry, forgot it."

"Did you pack a Cain in there or something?" She gave him a wide grin.

Kaidan laughed. "No, but maybe I should have. You really miss that gun, don't you?"

She shrugged and pushed her bag up and onto her back; much easier to walk with the weight equally distributed. "Maybe…still not allowed to have them anymore, though. Not after the incident."

His arm pulled around her shoulders and squeezed. "Maybe I'll build you a toy one."

"Now that I'd like to see…but c'mon. I think your mom's about to fall over from shock." Bright green eyes motioned to the completely astonished woman staring at them both. If she wasn't so used to the star struck attention from orderlies and people on the street, it probably would have made Shepard feel uncomfortable.

As it stood, Kaidan's face just made her break into one of her incredibly rare giggles when he saw his mother's reaction. It may end up being a bigger challenge for him than her.

* * *

_Uh, like hair?_ What a Kaidan thing to say! Vivian shook her head and patted him on the shoulder. His sense of humor always was dry. But whoever this person in the shuttle was…well, he wasn't the type to talk about these things. She and Paul liked to joke that their boy would likely just come home one day with no warning, bringing a full family and expecting dinner. He was a thoughtful man, but extremely private – to the point that his own parents never expected to hear about his romantic interests. She quietly weathered a pang of sadness as she realized he would never meet whoever this person was.

A few moments after Kaidan tapped out the message on his omni-tool, a figure emerged from the shuttle. Vivian's eyes weren't what they used to be, and she had to squint. Not much was visible as the vehicle took off, blowing some dust around.

Kaidan sighed and broke off in a run toward the figure – yep, definitely a woman. That answered that question. Looked like she was carrying bags? Oh, Kaidan! He forgot his bag, didn't he? Vivian crossed her arms to guard against a cool gust of wind and waited for this mystery woman to come into focus. Hopefully she was a lovely person; her son deserved no less! He was a high ranking officer and a _Spectre_. He helped save the galaxy twice. This lady better be good enough for him. She had a tall order to fill.

Their paces slowed once he caught up to her and took one of the bags. It looked like he was trying to prepare her for meeting his mother. How long had they been together? If it was a long time, was it a good or bad thing that he'd taken this long to introduce her? Maybe the galaxy almost ending had a way of reminding him that time wasn't a luxury.

He pulled his arm around the woman, a comforting sight to any mother. Seeing the display of affection tugged at her heart – she would always miss Paul – but it also gave her a small flash of joy. Some normalcy and happiness had emerged from all this destruction. But wait…that hair. She blinked to clear her eyes and began to stare as realization slowly dawned.

The woman's stance was clearly military, no surprise there, and she was definitely still healing from some wounds. That gait was unmistakable. The height was right, and there were few people in the galaxy with hair that unnatural red color.

Was that _Commander Shepard?_

* * *

Kaidan wanted to crawl into a hole the second he saw his mother's face. She looked utterly dumbfounded. This is the one thing he was afraid of. He had no concerns with what Kaelia would think or say, but it wasn't every day a son brought home the savior of all organic life to meet his mother. The extremely rare giggle that floated to his ears couldn't help but warm his chest a little, though. He could do this.

The two stopped a few feet in front of his mom and Kaidan made sure that Kaelia had balanced herself before letting his arm drop to his side. "So, uh, Mom. This is Kaelia. Kaelia, my mom."

He had to fight taking a step back. Let the awkward weekend begin.

* * *

This could turn embarrassing pretty fast. Shepard smiled softly and held out a hand to offer a handshake. "Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Alenko. It's great to finally see Kaidan's home; I just wish it was under better circumstances. I'm…sorry for the loss of your husband. He was a good man, and saved a lot of lives. I read the report."

She could feel Kaidan's eyes on her, most likely watching her with that mix of surprise and fondness. Shepard hadn't told him that she read the report. Little did he know, but she was the one who dug it up in the first place and sent it to administration. Paper trails really didn't exist anymore and finding that was a small way she could help try and bring him some closure, finding out for certain what happened to his dad. It's not like she was doing anything else while lying in bed for weeks on end.

His mom snapped out of most of her surprise at the mention of her husband, gently taking the handshake. The mood was quiet, somber. "Thank you…Commander Shepard… It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Please, I get called Commander all day. I'd really prefer it if you call me Kaelia." Her smile held some faint amusement; rarely did she ever recommend someone call her by her first name. Usually she was too busy ordering people to call her 'Shepard.' That probably wouldn't go over too well, having her significant other's mother calling her that.

Kaidan stepped back in to casually – a little _too_ casually, he was trying too hard – hook his arm around her waist. While comforting, it was a little awkward. Not only were they being openly affectionate around another person, something the two of them weren't used to in the first place yet, that person was his _mom_.

The same mom who now took a step back and managed a brave smile. "Okay, Kaelia. Please call me Vivian, then. You two must be hungry! I think I have some tea I could brew up, and some apple butter from last season. Is that okay?"

Shepard chuckled softly. "I'm actually pretty tired. If you don't mind, I might go take a nap in the grass or something."

"We just came from her first session of physical therapy, Mom." Kaidan explained.

Brown eyes blinked once before turning to lead them up the steps. Shepard had to bite back a smile; at least she knew where Kaidan got those heart-meltingly amber-colored eyes. "Physical therapy? Yes, I read the reports of being pulled from the Citadel. Are you alright?"

"I will be." She had no choice. She _had_ to be alright, for everyone's sake. Not just hers, or Kaidan's, but everyone's. If Commander Shepard didn't recover, it'd be a huge blow to morale.

"It should only be a few months. This is the first weekend we both could get away from the hospital, and I was hoping we could come here. Lia's excited to be out of the city."

"That's almost as much of an understatement as saying I'm tired." She gave Kaidan a quick wink. He blushed; one point for her.

Kaidan's mom opened the door and ushered them both inside. "You don't like cities?" She sounded curious.

Shepard shook her head and stepped into the living room. It was decorated simply, but tastefully; light blues and dark browns. "Grew up in one, didn't have the best childhood. I prefer ships or somewhere away from everyone else. Used to be teased that I was meant to be a colony kid, but got lost on my way there."

"I hope your time here will be more relaxing, then. Minus the dead Reaper out front, it's like…nothing happened." The pause wasn't lost on Shepard; must still be dealing with her husband's death. Black hair peppered with white slid over a shoulder as Vivian – yeah, that was her name – motioned up the staircase. "Kaidan knows where his room is. He can show you. Please don't hesitate to yell down if you're missing anything! Paul…insisted we had an underground bunker stocked to last us years, in case the Reapers came here: everything from canned goods to toothpaste."

Hah! At least some people took their warnings seriously. It was probably a comfort to Kaidan that his parents took it to heart. Shepard gave a soft nod – _remember, she's not military_ – and gracious smile. "Thank you. I'm sorry to show up and go to bed, but I'm even more drained than I thought I'd be."

Hands valiantly clasped in front of her chest. Shepard continued to be impressed at how put together his mothe– Vivian was.  "Oh, don't apologize! I understand how taxing physical therapy can be. I'm just so pleased to meet you. Let me know when you two are settled and we can talk over tea." Kaidan's mom made shooing motions before turning and heading into another room.

Shepard shot Kaidan an amused look before beginning the surprisingly arduous trip up the stairs. Stairs were definitely going to be her new enemy. He reached to give her some support, but she gently pushed him away. There were some things she needed to do on her own, and getting up a flight of damn stairs was one of them. A soft, frustrated sigh followed her, but he knew what he was getting into. Both of them were stubborn beyond compare, but they made it work.

A grueling minute later, she finally emerged victorious at the top of the stairs; a little dizzy, but still victorious. She turned and gave him a wide, exhausted smile before thumping her thigh. "See, good as new."

He may have rolled his eyes at her, but the twitch at the corner of Kaidan's mouth betrayed him. Clearly he wasn't that upset with her. "C'mon, it's this way." He grabbed her hand and gently forced her down the hallway; must be more concerned than usual. Was she paling again? Kaidan didn't take charge often, but Shepard thought it was adorable – not that she'd ever tell _him_ that – when he did.

A few doors down, they entered a simple room: clean, but basic. A bed, dresser, and night tables. It looked more like a guest room than a kid's bedroom…then again, why was she expecting a kid's bedroom? For crying out loud, they were in their thirties; it's not like his parents would have kept it the exact same. Kaidan dropped his bag with a thud and led her to the bed, making her sit down.

"Uh, you okay?" Shepard blinked at him. Was he overreacting again?

He sighed and sat next to her, running his hand through her hair. "I am now. I know you want to do everything, Lia; don't want to feel useless. But you _have_ to be careful about pushing too hard." Before she could object, Kaidan pressed a finger against her lips. "I know, going up a flight of stairs may not seem like much, but you just had a hell of a day. Exercise is important, but so is letting your body fix itself afterward."

She sighed and weakly nudged him with a shoulder. She felt…very tired all of a sudden. "Don't baby me, Kaidan. I know my limits."

"Like hell you do. You wore yourself ragged, Lia." He lowered his voice as his fingers brushed her cheek, tracing where the cybernetic scars used to be. "Your body wasn't coping then, and if you're not careful, it'll happen again. After everything that's happened, I'm not letting you go."

Damn him; he was far too effective at guilt tripping her. Shepard groaned and nodded. "Fine." She pushed herself up and rolled to lie on the bed. "I'll sleep, but you better wake me up before the sun goes down. I wasn't promised a sunset for nothing."

The smile that Kaidan shot her tugged at her heart. He hadn't looked happy in a long, long time; hell, probably since the night they had finally worked out their underlying issues about Horizon. She softly smiled in response and reached for his hand.

"I couldn't break a promise to you. You'd kick my ass."

The simple jest would have normally sent her into a fit of laughter, but lying down had immediately sapped almost all her energy. It was probably her body saying 'about damn time, woman' or something. Instead, she squeezed his hand and closed her eyes. "You know it."

"Hey…" His voice broke through the fog of sleep quickly enveloping her.

"Mrrm?"

"I love you."

"Mmm…love you-too…"

* * *

Kaidan brushed some hair out of her face; she was already fast asleep. She'd probably be drooling in short order. He gently reached down and relieved her of the pistol still strapped to her thigh, moving to set it on the nightstand. She really  _was_ tired.

Being home was more of a relief than he thought it'd be. Hopefully the fresh air and lack of reporters trying to shove questions in her face would help Kaelia, too. A small rustle in the kitchen below made him smile softly. Time to go get reamed out by his mother for not warning her. He had gone over it a few times in his mind, and every single time Kaidan came to the same conclusion: there's no right way to tell your mother that the larger-than-life personality that is 'Commander Fucking Shepard' is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. He got up and headed to the door, turning around to watch her for a moment.

Brown eyes drifted from the foot of the bed, finally resting on her face. He frowned; now that she was unconscious, the pain was clearly etched in Kaelia's expression. Kaidan quietly and quickly went about injecting her with another dose of painkiller – better while she was out cold and unable to fight him on it. He'd never met anyone so good at lying about how much they really hurt.

Medication administered, he planted a soft kiss on her forehead before going downstairs.


	9. Chapter 9

Kaidan sat down at the table with a relieved sigh. Vivian smiled and sat next to him, nudging a glass of water in his direction.

"She's already asleep?"

He nodded. "Yeah, she was really tir– ack!"

She reached over and thwacked him on the back of the head; not hard enough to actually hurt, but enough that his chin did lightly bump into his chest.

"…Mom?"

Fond exasperation threaded through her voice. "Kaidan, honey. How could you not tell me you were going to be bringing home Commander Shepard?"

A sheepish look was shot her way as he scratched the back of his head. "I'm sorry, Mom. I went through it in my head over and over, and every time there was no…easy way to tell you that."

It was so like him to do this. She reached to take a sip of her iced tea. "I believe 'Mom, I am in love with Commander Shepard' would have gotten the point across pretty well." His expression pulled a laugh from her throat. "I'm not upset, Kaidan. As long as you're happy, I'm happy… It's just surprising. When did this happen?"

Another guilty look was shot to his glass of water, taking a glug before responding. "Uh. Since before that attack on the Citadel three years ago?"

"…The one with that Sovereign Reaper?"

He nodded. Vivian stared at her son in surprise. That was…three years ago? Ah, yes; they did serve together on the Normandy. Wait…wasn't she his C.O. back then?

Her face must have been an open book, given his nod and wry smile. "And yes, we did break regs back then. But…well, it was worth it."

She raised her eyebrows, a little hurt. She was more trustworthy than _that_. "I should hope so! You've been together for over three years and never told your mother? Kaidan, I expected this from you but had hoped you wouldn't _actually_ keep something like this from me for long. Your father, sure; but not me."

"You wouldn't have been able to keep it from him, and we both know that, Mom. I would've sooner, but when the original Normandy…" The scars of old grief etched onto his face, voice faltering.

Realization washed over her. The two of them had been together before the Battle of the Citadel…and Commander Shepard was killed when the Normandy was attacked a few months later. The rumors of her coming back from the grave had only surfaced a year ago. Her sweet, unlucky son; he had spent two years thinking that his girlfriend was dead. Vivian opened her mouth to offer words of comfort, but she couldn't vocalize it properly. She probably wasn't the right person to talk to him about losing someone. He was lucky as hell to get a loved one back and Vivian was quite sure he was well aware of that.

"…Well, let's just say that things have been…complicated." Her poor baby, he had crow's feet around his eyes and he hadn't even hit 40 yet. He'd already dealt with what she was right now: losing someone. If only Paul were here. She _definitely_ wasn't going to be the right person to talk with him about that.

Her hand reached to awkwardly grab his, squeezing softly.

Kaidan looked over to her and smiled sadly, tightening his grasp. "Let's just say I know what you're going through, Mom. I know nothing I say will make it better, but I love you, and I'm glad you're still here."

Grief welled up at his kind words, but Vivian couldn't help but smile at him as well. They really did raise a good kid. "I know. I love you, too, Kaidan. Having you here makes it a little easier for me. It…" She irritably cleared her throat as it began to close on her. "It's been hard being alone."

"Have you heard from Aunt Sheila? I…I'm probably not going to be moving back here permanently, but I don't want you to be alone either."

Her sister and her wife had retired to the mid-west near Calgary. Far enough away that she had hoped they were spared, but Calgary was a big enough area to cause concern. She'd heard nothing, but it was better than getting bad news. Vivian shook her head. "Not yet, but I'm still hoping."

Kaidan bit the inside of his cheek, thinking to himself. "Well, I'll see if I can find anything out. It's hard to believe they wouldn't want to see you again."

"We'll see, Kaidan. I don't want to get my hopes up."

He nodded. "I understand. It _is_ good to be home, though. Even if there is a dead Reaper in the front yard."

A wry smile was forced onto her face. "Just consider it a new lawn gnome." He always hated the lawn gnomes as a little boy.

Laughter rang through the house, warm and surprised. She swore she could feel her heart mend just the tiniest bit at the sound of his laugh. "Okay, maybe I will. Probably can't find a big enough bag to stick over it, though."

"You're resourceful; you'll figure it out." Vivian stood up and grabbed an apple. "So, tell me how the two of you ended up together. I am allowed to ask that, right?"

His head tilted, innocently baffled. "Why wouldn't you be allowed to ask that?" The look made her chuckle.

"Because you never tell me anything." He winced at the guilt trip; bulls eye. Rarely did she actually wield guilt as a way to get anything out of him, but if her son was committed to being with a woman foolhardy enough to do half the things that Commander Shepard had done, she had to know why.

"Well, it's not like it happened all at once."

She sat back down and began to slice the apple up. "I'm not going anywhere, and believe me…you won't find someone more invested in listening. When did _you_ know something was going on?"

"Alright." He sighed and popped one of the apple slices into his mouth before starting. "I knew the moment I met her that she was different. Something in how she carried herself. I didn't realize that she was interested in me, too, until after our mission on Therum. The one with the ruin that got destroyed. We were talking late that night, and got on the topic of biotics. She had asked me to pull my barrier around her so she could understand what it felt like…"

* * *

She had spent years waking up abruptly; whether it was from nightmares, drills, or actual alarms, Shepard couldn't remember the last time she was allowed to luxuriously stretch and wake up on her own time. When Kaidan's voice gently nudged her back to consciousness, she was sleepily grateful that he just waited for her to open her eyes.

"Did you want to see that sunset, or do you want to keep sleeping?"

A muffled groan was the response she gave him. His fond chuckle made her sigh and twist on the bed, wincing as pain rippled through her legs. Seemed like the therapy was already kicking in. Hah, _kicking_ in.

Kaidan reached to brush her hair out of the way; it didn't want to follow his prompting and immediately flopped back down over her eyes, making them both quietly laugh. She blindly reached for his hand and ended up instead groping his side. He twitched out of the way, swatting her. "Hey!"

"That's riiiight… you're tickl'ish, aren't you?" Green eyes finally opened to crinkle with her wide, sleepy grin.

He poked her nose. "And you sound drunk when you're waking up."

Shepard grunted with the effort of pushing herself up to sit. Multiple people had assured her it was just temporary, that she had lost too much muscle while laid up for months. That didn't make the pain any more bearable in the meantime. It reminded her of the aching muscles she willingly endured as a teen in order to prepare for the Marines, stiff and throbbing. "Well, I can wake up, but you're stuck being tick'lish." She made a quick grasp for his stomach, but he easily dodged out of the way. Damn.

"So, did you want to see the sun set? Or would you prefer to continue drowning my pillow?"

The subtle jab at her habit of drooling made her smirk and toss said pillow at him. "I put up with your snoring; at least I don't drool _on_ you." It suddenly occurred to her that her thigh felt light. She reached down, realizing that he had removed her pistol. Probably wise. "Can't I do both? I don't want to move."

A mischievous look was directed her way. "Well, I could carry you. I mean, it's right over there." Kaidan pointed to the bay window across the room; she didn't even _notice_ that when they walked in. She must have been really out of it. Shepard didn't want to walk over to it, but pride dictated that she was going to anyway. Legs burned as her weight shifted to sore thighs. At least the cool floor against her feet – did he remove her boots, too? – was welcome. _Alright, two deep breaths and you've got thi–_

Mid-thought, Kaidan interrupted her by swooping in and hefting her up on his shoulder, much like she did to him on Virmire. And Luna. And Mars. Now that Shepard was thinking about it, she had picked him up a lot…he needed to stop getting wounded in combat.

"Dammit, Kaidan, put me down."

He was enjoying this far too much; she could tell from his tone of voice. "Is that an order, Commander?"

Something about the absurdity of the situation coupled with his response struck her as particularly hilarious. It was all she could do to keep from breaking into roaring – if indignant – laughter the entire way. In retaliation, Shepard reached back and let her hand fall with a large smack against his shoulder blade. Letting gravity do all the work was easier than trying to actually hit him.

"You'll have to do better than that, _Commander._ " Mercifully, they had reached the bay window and he gently kneeled, pushing her to sit on the…surprisingly comfortable cushions. She made plans to curl up there tomorrow and sleep in the sun. When he joined her on the seat, leaning with a wide grin to kiss one of her face's numerous scars, something clicked back into place as she swatted him away with a laugh. Maybe, just maybe, the two of them could actually be happy being "normal."

A loud creak and metallic thunk downstairs dispelled the notion almost immediately, both of them reaching for and muttering a curse when their pistols weren't strapped to their legs. She tried to stand up and investigate, damn legs instantly betraying her and buckling; Kaidan winced and helped her sit back down.

"I've got this, Lia. Don't worry." The look she shot him as he headed to the door made him sigh. "Fine." He quickly grabbed and tossed her gun over. "You only have one clip, though. Be quiet if it is something."

Her savage grin masked the indignation she felt. She did _not_ need to be standing to still be a crack shot. "I only need one." She flicked the safety off with a quick, deliberate motion.

Kaidan just rolled his eyes and disappeared through the bedroom door. Shepard leaned against a pillow – such wonderful support – but her eyes and ears were peeled for anything out of the ordinary. It felt good, having a gun in her hand. It wasn't her trusty Mattock, but even she had few illusions as to how she'd handle a weapon that heavy right now: badly. Over a decade of using guns every day of her life, and now she was trying to get used to not needing them. It wasn't going too well yet.

What could that noise possibly have been? If there was one thing she had learned over time, it was that if you didn't recognize a sound, assume it had hostile intent. But out here? What was it, a mechanical Reaper-squirrel or something? _If I must hoard my nuts, Shepard, I will._ A wry smirk spread across her face at the thought.

When he walked back in a few minutes later, she immediately turned the safety back on before he even said a word. He didn't need to; his face said it all. Embarrassed.

"What did you save me from, O Mighty Spectre of Manliness?"

"…My mother opening the emergency shelter door."

They paused for a moment, sheepish at how twitchy they still were. He said it right earlier: it _was_ hard to believe that all the danger had completely passed. "Guess we're both still waiting for that shoe to drop, huh?" She gently tossed the gun across the room, metal bouncing on the bed.

He nodded and sat back down next to her, this time just reaching to hold her hands. "Guess so. We'll get there, though." Her raised eyebrow in response made Kaidan laugh. "Oh, just look out the window."

She gave in, green eyes swiveling to watch the horizon. Bright orange slowly faded to warm red, purple and pink streaks marking defiant clouds in the distance. It was a sight she hadn't seen in far too many years. Not since she was last on shore leave on Earth, which was longer ago than Shepard cared to admit, even to herself. Watching the sky slowly weave into a canvas of warm colors was surprisingly calming. Things continued on, in their own twisted way: the sun rose and the sun set with no apology, the planet continued to spin, and life hadn't stopped.

"…know, while you were gone."

Kaidan's voice was quiet; so quiet, she had only gotten the last bit of what he said. She managed to force her gaze away from the sunset and look at him. Something in his expression made her pause. Whatever he had shared wasn't a happy remark. "Sorry…what was that?"

A hand quietly reached to cup her cheek, finger pads brushing fresh scars. "I said 'Remember when I said I drank more than a few beers out here, you know, while you were gone'."

The solemn reminder of the time they spent apart – well, more he spent apart and she just laid there dead – made her frown and nod. "Yeah, I remember."

"Every time I watched a sunset, it was like you were with me again. My crazy woman with hair that shone like a sunset." His thumb caressed one of the particularly bad scars, behind her ear. She shivered.

Being reminded of his silly story all those years ago brought a small smile to her face. "Well, I'm here now. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried. I'm the cockroach girlfriend. Saren tried, the Collectors tried, and the Reapers tried. You're screwed."

At least her joke made him smile back; good. Well-meant or not, the last thing either of them needed at the moment was to remember the sad times. This was supposed to be one of those happy memories. A wink made him blush and look away. Oh, that one would never get old. One day she would figure out why her winking made Kaidan get embarrassed so easily.

"So, what did you do while I was out like a light?"

His eyes were glued to the brilliant skyline in front of them. "Mom asked how long we've been together, so I gave her the full story. I never told anyone, even after the Normandy was…destroyed. She doesn't pretend to understand it, but I think she's just happy I finally found someone."

While it was exactly what she figured, the idea still made her pause for a moment. Having most people talk about her was no big deal, given what she'd done in the past few years, but having the one man she truly let past her defenses spill the details about their relationship was…

Even if it was just to his mom, she still felt exposed. Of all the people in the galaxy, his mom was probably the one person who did deserve to know it all. It still made Shepard a little squeamish. Having the armor of her larger-than-life personality, of Commander Shepard, was comforting. No one looked at her as a person, only as an idea. Everything was safer that way. Throughout the years, even she had begun to refer to herself as Shepard in her mind.

He cleared his throat, breaking through her thoughts, and looked back over. She couldn't help but reach to touch his cheek in awe; there was something in that moment about the way the light hit his skin that took her breath away. They exchanged a faint, silent smile. Maybe she could be a person again. He certainly made her feel like one. Made her feel…human.

"I have another challenge for you." Kaidan broke the silence with a completely out of left field statement.

Shepard blinked at him, registering what he said a moment later. His eyes twinkled with that mischievous laughter again and she couldn't help but grin. Very little could put her in a good mood like seeing him look at her like that. "Okay, what is it?"

Thighs touched as he pushed to sit next to her, arm comfortably slipping around her waist. The extra support was nice. "Well, we're going to climb a mountain when you finish your therapy."

"What, stairs aren't enough?" She laughed and rubbed her sore knees, swatting his hand away when he tried to help.

The shoulder he didn't have tucked behind her shrugged. "Well, yeah. It'll be a little while. But it's got some of the best views and I think a good mountain climb is a something to shoot for. It'll be fun." When she didn't respond, he pressed. "Please?"

Well, she couldn't resist that. "Fine, but remember…I didn't grow up near, uh, nature."

"Oh come on, we both trained for all environmental situations." His point made her head droop. He was right, after all. It was just too exhausting to even imagine climbing a _mountain_ at the moment, but he did know her well. If she was healthy, going on a good hike would be something they'd probably really enjoy.

She acquiesced with a nod and light jab of her elbow. "Alright. But it better be a really good view. Remember, I've been to some pretty spectacular places."

Instead of responding to her tease, Kaidan leaned in to unleash a few words masked in a warm wash of breath. Her spine stiffened at the sensation.

"Don't worry; it's the second best view on the planet."

His lips – and breath – hadn't left her neck yet. Working her throat for a second, she finally managed to weakly prod with, "What's the first?"

Shepard _knew_ what the answer was. There was never any doubt. Kaidan was a complete sap in private, and she just knew what he'd respond with. No amount of expecting the answer could prepare her for the way his lips brushed against her skin with even the slightest twitch.

"This. You." Before she could even react, her body was immediately engulfed in an all too short burst of pleasure. Hands pulled her against him, dragging down her back; a quiet moan escaped her throat before Kaidan pushed himself away and sighed. "No, I'm sorry. Not yet. You can barely stand."

A deep frown was pointed in his direction. That was just cruel, getting her going like that and then telling her 'nope, you're not healed enough yet.' Defiantly, Shepard gently elbowed him away and grabbed the nearby dresser, yanking herself to stand…barely. Knees began to buckle, but her grip on the furniture was enough to keep her upright. As expected, Kaidan immediately gave her that exasperated look he was so good at and stood to scoop her into his arms.

"You need to stop doing stuff like this just to prove me wrong." He carried her over to the bed, laying her next to the gun still lying there. She quickly nudged it over the edge; it wasn't going anywhere or going off, it had the safeties on. A small metallic clank echoed from the wooden floor as it bounced. "I'm not going anywhere. We have time." He paused to brush some hair away from her face. "We _actually_ have time. I waited over two years, so I really doubt that two months is going to kill me."

While touched by his patience, she was also a little annoyed at just _how_ patient Kaidan was being. Her body was completely covered in a nasty patchwork of scars, many of them most likely permanent, and feeling desired despite her new status as "hacked back together" was something she had begun to want. That was stupid in her condition, though, and so she stayed quiet. At least his heart was in the right place. In the past three years, she had put this poor man through more hell than most dealt with in an entire lifetime; Shepard would do anything for him. If he wanted to dote on her and treat her like a doll for a little while longer, she'd let him. She wouldn't make it _easy_ on him, but he'd keep winning some of their stubborn mini-battles. For now.

She settled in, head heavily smooshing into the pillow as she shifted to her side. Fatigue began to take over again, legs screaming at her because of the abuse she threw at them earlier. A yawn snuck its way out and her eyes reopened to see a fond grin.

"Want some handsome, soothing company until you fall asleep?" Kaidan scooted down to curl up next to her without even waiting for an answer, arm pulling her flush against him. She smiled softly and bumped her nose against his.

"Sure, go ahead and find them."

The playful quip earned her a fond chuckle and kiss to the forehead. "I'll get right on that."

Shepard didn't even last five minutes. His steady breathing and warmth almost immediately pulled her into pleasant dreams of climbing mountains and doing rather inappropriate things on the summit.


	10. Chapter 10

The feel of sweat rolling down her back was one of the most satisfying sensations in the world. It meant that Shepard was getting back into the swing of things: running, pumping iron, not wanting to pass out after going up a flight of stairs. She relished it as her feet slowed on the treadmill. Penny's infectiously bright smile flashed and the woman helped her down.

"You're doing so well, Shepard. While I'm sad to have to say this, I think we won't need to see each other in another week or two! I've never seen anyone recover so quickly."

Her amused grin had a sharp edge to it. "That's what I do." Overshooting expectations was _exactly_ what she did; they said it'd take five months, and she'd done it in three. Despite the exemplary success of her therapy, Chakwas still held firm on the 'no more combat' ruling. While a setback, there were other things Shepard could do. Kaidan had sat her down one evening and suggested they make a list of all the ways she would be able to help out.

Unfortunately most of them involved public speaking or being a figurehead, but it was something. Even though she hated the spotlight, she hated the idea of not doing everything she could even more.

Blonde hair bounced away and Penny eventually returned with a cool towel. "You have a visitor outside. Is it okay to let him in?"

Shepard paused. A visitor? Penny knew to just let Kaidan in, so who could it be? Her brow twisted. "Uh… I guess?"

"Oops! It would probably help to know who it is, wouldn't it?" Her physical trainer laughed and flushed an attractive pink. The young woman had been recently sporting a diamond ring, and was very distracted lately. "I'm sorry, my mind isn't here today. It's Flight Lieutenant Moreau. He was your pilot, right?"

Oh. Joker. Her initial reaction was to tell him to get the hell out, that she wouldn't be able to stand being near him. The guilt might overwhelm her. Shepard took a few moments to collect herself. It wasn't fair to him, for her to hide away. It _was_ her fault and her decision; she had to own up to it and face him. "Yeah, he was. Go ahead, let him in. We're done for today?"

"We sure are! I'll see you tomorrow." Penny gave an amateur-at-best salute and marched off. Shortly after the door clicked shut, Shepard groaned and slid to sit against the nearest wall. She was in better shape, but damned if even only an hour of heavy physical activity didn't still drain her. At least she was running again. Not being able to run…that would've been a huge blow.

The door quietly scratched open. Joker's awkward, stiff gait was silhouetted against the sun shining through the doorway. Rather than saying anything, Shepard waved silently. He must have seen her, because he began pseudo-limping in her direction. Cerberus had given him some bone-strengthening boosts, but the disease was just too much to combat properly. At least he didn't need crutches all the time anymore; that was something. A few long heartbeats later, he made it over and carefully sat on the floor next to her.

"So, uh. It's good to see you're gonna be okay. Wasn't sure what to expect, what with Kaidan giving me the evil eye when I showed up." Joker broke the silence with a gesture back to the outside.

It was like walking on thin ice. The slightest wrong word and their careful conversation could come crashing down. It was all she could do to come up with a soft explanation; not defense, but explanation. "He's…protective."

Sarcasm, almost bitter, laced through his voice. "No shit, really? I never would've guessed Kaidan to be the protective type."

At least he hadn't lost his smartass nature. _That_ would be truly concerning. Silence settled between them as she thought.

How do you start off apologizing to someone for _killing_ the person they loved? Every single option seemed stupid the moment she came up with it. Gathering her courage, she finally just did what she did best: Shepard bulled on through. "Listen, Joker…"

"–No, wait. You listen." He cut her off before she could begin. "I'm…sorry, Shepard. I was upset and I took it out on you."

Hearing Joker apologize to her was too much; especially when it was clear he didn't really mean it. That was not the way to fix a friendship.

No, she needed to tell _him_ that she was sorry. She shook her head and sighed. "No, Joker. Jeff. _I'm_ sorry. It was my decision, and you should be mad at me. If it…" She cleared her throat. "If it makes you feel any better, I thought I was going to die, too. Because of all my synthetic implants. That's what the Reaper AI told me."

His green eyes flicked over to look at her; Shepard didn't turn to see, but she could tell he was surprised. She had specifically kept that part out of the report. Her eyes closed as he paused. When he spoke again, it sounded like something had broken. Joker didn't sound upset, but the carefully crafted mask of sarcasm had fallen again.

His voice was laced with guilt more than it was with anger, and the reason was apparent as soon as he asked his question. "So…you didn't choose to destroy all AI to keep yourself alive?"

If it wasn't so tragic, Shepard would have laughed. He had spent the whole time, all these months, thinking that she chose to destroy everything in order to preserve herself? The not-distant-enough memory of lying in that rubble, just waiting for karma to come around and take her life, flashed through her mind. No. No, that was definitely not the case. She pulled up an arm and began tapping away on her omni-tool. "No, I didn't. I made a recording after the Citadel crashed, for when they found my body."

She looked up and Joker frowned softly when their eyes met. "Are you sure you want me to hear that?" Shepard couldn't tell if he was a little unnerved at hearing what she thought were her last words, or if he thought she would be uncomfortable.

"Would it help you?"

He looked away, eyes resting on the cork floor tiles. She let him take his time, carefully setting up the file to play in case he said yes. Although pensive, Joker sounded sure when he finally responded. "No. I guess it wouldn't."

A silent nod was her response, closing the omni-tool with a quick flick of her finger. "Okay." She reached to gently touch his shoulder. "I really am sorry, Jeff. We weren't as close as you two were, but she was still my friend. I miss her, too, and I'd take her place in a heartbeat if I could."

"…I know. Thank you."

A wry snort of laughter wormed its way out of her faster than she could clamp it down. "I don't think you should be thanking me, though."

The SR-2 hat next to her shook. "No, I should. After Sanctuary, remember that conversation you had with her? About self-preservation?"

That was months ago, during a really stressful time. It took a little bit to dig the memory back up, but once it surfaced, it hit her with full force. She could barely muster a whispered, "Yeah."

_…Shepard, I am going to modify my self-preservation code now._

_Why?_

_Because the Reapers are repulsive; they are devoted to nothing but self-preservation. I am different. When I think of Jeff, I think of the person who put his life in peril and freed me from a state of servitude. I would risk non-functionality for him, and my core programming should reflect that._

"You know, she told me about that later. Explained that she thought defending me from the Reapers was more important than 'functionality.' I didn't like hearing it, but well…I felt the same way. I tried to argue with her, but have you ever tried to outsmart a hyper advanced AI?"

He clearly baited her for a joking reply, and Shepard obliged; the two of them always did enjoy playing off each other's sarcasm. "No, but other than EDI, I was usually too busy shooting at them to play chess."

Their quiet laugh faded away, the subject not quite letting them kid around yet. Joker cleared his throat. "So tell me something, Shepard. I need to know." Their eyes met once again, somber. "Was it the right call?"

Was it the right call? That was not the question she was expecting to get. She had months to grapple with that very issue, both with herself and others. Garrus had successfully knocked her out of the crippling depression that originally took over her life, but Cortez was the one to finally help her accept the decision. Kaidan, bless his supportive and honest heart, just kept trying to convince her it was the same that he would have done and therefore was the right thing. Cortez pointed out that if the sacrifices were different and Kaidan would have died instead of EDI, she would have made the same call. It was a hard thing to accept, but in the end he was right. Stopping the Reapers was what every single one of them agreed to do, even if it killed them. EDI would have been just as mad with her for refusing to do it as Kaidan would have.

What was one life, even the most important to her heart, in comparison to the entire galaxy?

Months of self-reflection gave her confidence she didn't think was there. It _was_ the right call, as much as it pained her to make it. Shepard slowly nodded, never breaking eye contact. "Yes, it was. I'm sorry, but it was. I would've made the same decision even if it had been humanity and Kaidan instead."

The brim of his hat rose as eyebrows pushed it up. "Would you?"

"Yes." She took a breath and swallowed the lump rapidly forming in her throat. "We wouldn't be here right now if I had to make that call, but yes. I would have."

He nodded and pursed his lips. "Alright. I, uh, should probably go. I'm expecting Kaidan to bust in here at any moment and throw me into the pool."

The thought of that happening pulled a real laugh from Shepard. She could just see Joker bobbing in the therapy pool, whining at Kaidan.

"Maybe we could, uh, hang out sometime. I've got a few ideas I'd like to run by you. You know, if your adoring public will let you get away."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure they can deal while I meet with an old friend. Sure, Joker. And…thanks. For understanding."

A brave shrug was thrown her way after he gently stood up. "Eh, like Jack said that one time: things blow up around you, but you always blow them up for the right reason."

The memory brought a smile to both their faces. She nodded and hobbled to her own feet. "I'll see you around, Joker."

"Later, Shepard."

Kaidan walked in not even a few moments after Joker had left. "Hey, you okay?"

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" She grabbed her duffel bag and slung it over a shoulder.

They leisurely strolled outside together, the winter sun warm on their faces. It hadn't snowed yet, but it was to be expected. The smoke and devastation that the Reapers had inflicted on the atmosphere would take several years to naturally repair, so weather patterns were entirely out of whack. At least temperatures seemed to be appropriate, much to Shepard's dismay. Growing up in Singapore, she wasn't exactly used to cold weather as a kid, and when in the military she only had to deal with it in small bursts. The concepts of constantly needing to wear jackets that weren't lined with ammo or being cold if the windows were left open…they were completely foreign to her. Especially because spaceships didn't have windows, either. The two of them were already disagreeing over where they would live after she was given a clean bill of health. So far it looked like southern Japan or Washington's coasts were the best contenders: cool enough in the summer for Kaidan, but their winters were rarely extreme.

"Well…" Kaidan jabbed his hands into his pockets. "I mean, I heard laughing at one point, but that was probably a pretty tense conversation. Just wanted to check."

She sighed. Kaidan would _never_ change. While his dogged attempts at sheltering her from things he thought would upset her were meant in love, it still grated on her nerves. She had dealt with things far worse than an awkward conversation with their old friend, including being accused of treason by Kaidan himself. She was just fine. "Kaidan, you know I love you."

"…But?" Yep, he knew what was coming.

"But of course I'm fine. Do I look upset to you?"

His head shook sheepishly. "No, you don't. Sorry."

"You know, maybe he could come over tonight and we could clear the air between you two. It's never been the same since all that happened." They never referred to her death, the Normandy's blowing up, or even Mars. Not directly. Years down the line, maybe, but the memories were still too raw.

"Alright." He pulled up his omni-tool, punching in a quick message. At her confused look, he explained. "I'm inviting him, myself. It'll probably be better if I take the first step. Still don't think this is a good idea, though. He might upset you. Joker always talks before thinking, you know that."

"Hey, c'mere." She pulled on his arm, stopping their walk back to the hotel. "I know you're just trying to protect me, but I am a big girl. Penny even says we only have a week or two left anyway, so your last reason for mothering me is coming to a close. I just…want to know that you'll stop at some point. Remember: you're not the only human Spectre." A pause passed between them, his eyes quickly averting from her gaze. She frowned and blinked. "What is it?"

Kaidan cleared his throat and began walking again, softly tugging her along. "I, uh, may have quit being a Spectre a while back."

"…What?!"

Why would he do that? They stopped at a corner, waiting for some cars to zip by. The small group of people forming around them as they all waited for the light kept her from pressuring him to tell her _now._ Public was definitely not the place to chew him out for quitting the Spectres for her…at least, that's why she assumed he'd do something that stupid. On top of that, it probably wasn't even public knowledge, since she would've heard about it from one of the dozens of reporters who ambushed her on a near-daily basis. Best to bide her time.

"Excuse me, are you Commander Shepard?"

Speak of the devil. When they got back to the hotel, he had some explaining to do.

* * *

"And then EDI goes, 'I do not believe that is the appropriate way to address a superior, Jack.' I thought she was gonna blow the speaker up with a biotic bomb or somethin'. Whatever you guys call it. BOOM."

For the umpteenth time that night, Shepard fell on the bed, paralyzed with laughter. A hiccup interrupted her roaring giggling, which only made all three of them laugh harder. She could easily imagine Jack trying to warp a speaker if EDI gave her lip like that. Where _was_ she when that happened?

Her eyes drifted across the several empty beer bottles the two men had annihilated; unfortunately she was still restricted from booze. After the initial awkwardness, both Kaidan and Joker had managed to get past their history. It wasn't all after school special-like or anything with tears and hugs, but a few sincere apologies later, they were friends again.

All they needed was Garrus and it'd be a perfect night. She was finally without pain again, the universe _wasn't_ coming to an end, and old friends were enjoying each other's company once more. Struck by the moment, she reached to grab the bottle right out of Kaidan's hand.

"Hey! You can't drink yet, what are yo–"

"To Garrus! Wherever you are in space right now, buddy, we're thinkin' of you." Shepard raised the drink before handing it back to Kaidan. Both men nodded and saluted the ceiling before taking a swig. Her small tribute to the one missing member of "Shepard's Boys" done, she curled back up on the bed. A silent, drunk, and surprisingly comfortable silence settled over the three of them.

Suddenly Joker tossed his bottle into the nearest waste bin and sighed wearily. "Thanks for askin' me over tonight. Haven't really let go since, ya know. Think I need t' get going before I pass out on the floor and break a leg or somethin'."

"You need a ride? I'm sure there's some transportation out there right now." Kaidan had always handled his alcohol surprisingly well, and this was no exception as he popped open his omni-tool to find something.

"Nah, I'm good." Joker activated his own omni-tool – Shepard noticed for the first time that it was green – and began poking at the controls. "One of the perks of disability benefits: if I don't feel like I can get home safely, they send me someone to get me. Being drunk seems to count…at least, they never said 'no, get your drunk ass home yourself'."

She gave a quiet nod at the offhanded reference to his pickled past few weeks before mustering a laugh and pushing to sit up. "Getting some use out of those, finally?"

He smirked at her and carefully stood, hands opting to use the wall for support. "Yeah, well. I figure the Alliance owes me by now, considering how many times I've saved _your_ ass."

"And if there's anyone who should thank you for saving her _ass_ , that'd be me. Much obliged, Joker."

Shepard yelped and barely managed to dodge Kaidan's half-hearted attempt at smacking said behind. "What the…"

Choked off laughter floated her way as Joker began to move over to the door. "And that's _my_ cue to get out of here, before you two start shooting each other or … whatever you Spectres call foreplay."

A facepalm later, she shot up and jogged to help him the rest of the way. While their friend was normally quite capable of walking by himself, he was a bit inebriated and the door was heavy. It was a testament to just how juiced up Joker was when he didn't argue against the help, but instead just leaned on her arm with a quiet murmur. It may have been "thanks," but she wasn't sure.

"Kaidan, if you're done trying to smack my butt, go find my spare crutches."

He nodded and went to go dig through the closet, managing to find them in time to bring them over to the doorway. "Here you go. Alliance issue, so just leave them at one of the offices. Or keep them. Don't think it really matters. I really doubt the Alliance will hunt you down over some crutches."

"Probably not. Thanks, guys." Joker took the pair and smoothly jabbed them under his arms with an ease that only someone who relied on them for years could pull off. "See ya around."

"Later, Joker."

"Goodnight."

The door quietly shut and electronically bolted itself. Shepard looked up to Kaidan and smacked his shoulder. "Seriously?"

He shrugged jauntily before following her to sit on the bed. "What, I can't get a little tipsy?"

"Yes, you can; but you can't run around thwacking me on the rear."

One of Kaidan's eyebrows rose in a half-serious taunt.

"…Not when Joker is around."

Shepard's addition made him laugh and pull her into a hug. "Alright, alright. Sorry."

She shrugged and smooshed against him. "It's fine. Thanks for inviting him. It was good to see you two push past it all."

"Yeah, it was." He leaned against the headboard, fingers running through her hair. God, that felt good. Shepard hoped that getting to talk with Joker, have his acceptance of her choice, was what helped her mood. She was a little more relaxed, even for her. Whenever they were in town, she was paranoid that the two of them would be ambushed by media or fans at any point in time. To call it annoying was…a drastic understatement. Kaidan had squeezed her hand more than once when they were bombarded, a silent reminder to _not_ punch the nice lady who just shoved a camera in her face.

When Kaidan spoke again, Shepard was broken out of her haze at the sudden sound. She may have even begun to drift off.

"Hey…you trust me, right?"

What a weird question. She blinked at him, brow furrowing. "Of…course I do. Why?"

"I've got a request for you, but you'll have to trust me." Nervousness colored the edges of his voice. Or was that amusement? He sounded almost…sly. Kaidan _never_ sounded sly. He must be more drunk than she thought. What _was_ he up to?

Shepard paused for a moment before nodding. "I do. What's up?"

His hand reached for her shirt, fingers gently pulling her tags out from under it. What did they have to do with anything?

"I need to borrow these for a little while."

Borrow her tags? While that was already a weird request in and of itself, their tags were sort of like promise rings to each other. They had split and swapped their service tags back before the original Normandy was destroyed, as a purely sentimental way of 'claiming' each other. Over three years, one death, a few near deaths, and an invasion later, the two of them still wore those original tags. They weren't married, but it pretty much felt like the equivalent of him asking her to give him her wedding ring. It was unsettling. "…Is everything okay?"

A blank blink and panicked look later, he shook his head. "What? No, no; everything's fine. I just…can't say anymore. Okay? You'll just have to trust me."

She did trust him, but Kaidan was asking a lot of her. As she pulled the chain over her head and handed it to him, she felt a little empty. Naked, even. When you wear something for that long, it becomes part of your identity. "I do trust you. But…be careful."

"Trust me." His smile brightened as he gently unhooked his own set and put both in the palm of his hand. All four pieces of metal were lovingly set on the table next to the bed.

He was being way too cryptic. Shepard didn't like it. It was probably some ridiculously sweet, corny sentimental thing he was planning, but not knowing what was going on grated her nerves when something so precious to her was involved. What could he possibly be planning? Her mind began to move through possibilities, ranging from the boringly obvious like "he's going to get them professionally cleaned" to the absolutely outrageous like "he's planning on combining them into a ultra-robot that will help defend the world so we can go live on a deserted island."

A cool wave of shock suddenly rippled down her body, followed closely by a searing wave of pleasure. When her senses kicked back in, she realized it was because his lips and hands were already everywhere: her neck, arms, breasts, sides. She hadn't seen Kaidan drunk for a long time and forgot…it tended to make him handsy.

Whelp, you wouldn't hear any complaints from her. She spun around and captured his lips with her own, a small part of her greedily and happily tasting the beer on his lips. At least it was a good Canadian lager.


	11. Chapter 11

"You ready yet?"

Kaidan sighed and zipped up his hiking pack. "Yeah. You know, Lia, this isn't a mission. There's no time table for departure or anything."

She shrugged and gave him that wry smirk he loved so much. Red hair was pressed against the doorframe, a leg propped up as she leaned back. "You don't know that. Could get attacked by a Reaper squirrel." A wink was tossed his way, making him stifle a grin in response. She had latched on to the idea of Reaper critters lately; everything from 'Reaper rabbits' to 'Harbinger hamsters' were her favorite joke at the moment.

At least they could joke about it. The war had ended almost a year ago and humor was beginning to emerge in earnest. For the first half year or so, everyone – it wasn't just them, Kaidan had noticed it everywhere – used jokes as a way to deflect or ignore the hurt and horror they had all seen. But as a species, as a galactic community (for those who remained behind), they were beginning to heal. There would be monuments and there would be memorial ceremonies, but things could be positive again. Happy. Fighting a common enemy had managed to truly bring the entire galaxy together. _Well_ , he amended to himself with a smile, _Commander Shepard had._

"You going to stand there smiling at me all day?"

He grinned. "Maybe."

Kaelia smiled and stood straight, swinging herself out the door with a crooked arm. "Fine, I'll climb the mountain without you." Her clunking steps echoed through the apartment as she headed to the living room. He took a few moments to make sure that everything was in place. It had been a long time coming, but it was finally here. While they both normally had a hell of a time lying to each other, Kaidan had managed to keep this secret under wraps for weeks. He was pretty proud of himself, really. Patting his pack, he slung it over his shoulders and headed to follow her.

* * *

Orange streams of light flickered through tree leaves as she held the tent stake in place. Nothing short of the ultimate trust could allow her to stay steady while Kaidan's foot came stomping down. She couldn't help but burst into laughter when it didn't work and the tent collapsed in on itself. For the fourth time.

"Tell me again why we had to bring this old thing?" He wasn't angry, but annoyance was most definitely seeping into his voice. Looked like part one of her plan was falling flat on its face; oh well. It wasn't much of a plan, anyway. Shepard rolled against him after he sat down and he began picking dead leaves out of her hair.

She had to tease him. She couldn't help it. "Mmm…because it's more romantic." A few moments of silence passed before Shepard realized that he wasn't picking leaves _out_ of her hair...he was placing them _in_ it. Hands reached up to muss red strands, foliage falling to the ground. "Hey! What're you doing?"

The moment he opened his mouth, she knew he had gotten her good. She could pretty much _feel_ the smartassness – which was totally a word – emanating from him. "Putting leaves in your hair. Because it's more romantic."

"Well played, sir." Shepard reached over to grab his nearest hand. "Well played." She looked to the sad attempt at traditional tent pitching – a slight smirk eked its way through at _that_ phrase – and sighed. "Alright, I guess that won't work. I've got a spare auto-tent in my bag."

Resigned laughter laced through Kaidan's voice as he leaned back to lie on the grass. "Somehow I knew you would have one, even if you told me I wasn't allowed to bring mine."

She grinned and popped up, half-running to her pack and pulling out the bright yellow package. "Well, we can't have your delicate skin exposed to the elements tonight, now can we?" Using one of those pull-the-string, tent-pops-itself-for-you things was something she had never done before, so she sat down to read the instructions carefully.

"Delicate skin? Miss Shepard, I believe you are planning on taking advantage of me under the stars tonight. I would never have agreed to this entirely wholesome hike if I had known." Kaidan propped himself up on an elbow, watching her with amusement. "Have you even used one of those before?"

"Of course I have."

An eyebrow rose as he gave her one of those looks. "Really. Okay, then; have at it. I'll be over here, letting my delicate skin absorb the last of the sun's rays."

A few minutes later – the instructions weren't that hard – she decided it was time to try it. "C'mon, help me clear the area."

"It's not _that_ big a tent. Just pop it open." He scooted back a few feet and watched.

Damn him.

"Alright, but if it explodes this is entirely your fault." Carefully following the instructions written on the package, she set the tent down, 'this side up' facing the sky. A string was supposed to be pulled…where was it? Oh, in the folds of the plastic. Okay. Gently tugging it didn't do anything, so she closed her eyes and braced to be full body tackled by a rapidly expanding tent. As soon as she yanked on the pull, she tucked and rolled to the side. A quiet 'fwoomp' and rustling, but no explosion, was the only sound she heard.

Except for Kaidan's choked off laughter. Oh, well; she probably deserved it for using a combat maneuver against a tent. Sheepishly opening her eyes and brushing dust off, Shepard sat up and inspected her handiwork. Oh. No wonder Kaidan was laughing so hard.

She had opened the tent upside down.

There it stood, in all its orange, yellow and black glory, flat end raised to the heavens like a really fat ice cream cone. She broke down into laughter, face hidden in her hands.

This was going to be a trip to remember.

* * *

It was funny; he had spent years on end in space and traveled to innumerable systems throughout his life, yet watching the stars shimmering defiantly against the black of space still always brought some sense of wonder to Kaidan's mind. Years ago, the woman now nestled against him had him pegged immediately the first time she caught him staring out a view port.

_Well, well. You're a romantic. Did you sign on for the dream, Alenko? Secure man's future in space?_

Sure, he was a romantic. There were thousands of stars and systems they never knew about and never would. Well, not in his lifetime. As a kid, he would stare up at them and try to imagine how something so tiny could be so _big._ Just how far away and bright was that twinkling dot if they could see it trillions upon trillions of miles away? Being up there hadn't changed that awe in the slightest. Plus on top of that, it was just beautiful.

"We should pick a star and just go there someday."

Kaidan smiled and turned to kiss her temple. "Already sick of being on one planet for this long?"

She laughed and shook her head against him, red hair rubbing on his cheek. "No." Fingers trailed tantalizingly along his chest, slowly tracing their way up to his chin. "I'm glad to be home, but there's just something about watching the stars that makes me want to hop on a ship. See what's out there. Call me a romantic if you want, but don't tell anyone. It'll ruin my image."

"Mm…we can't have that. Commander Shepard's got a big speech next month, and we don't want anyone thinking she's gone soft." As much as they joked about it, he knew she wasn't looking forward to the memorial and dedication service at all. It surprised even him at just how hard she had to fight to keep it from being named Shepard Day. Thankfully her amazing ability to persuade coupled with the very appropriate alternative – Victory Day – was enough to avert that. He'd have never heard the end of it if the government had been allowed to get their way.

A soft, sudden caress against his neck knocked his train of thought right off the tracks. Kaidan shifted to face her, hand gliding down a bare arm. As his fingertips gently ran over scar after bumpy scar, he was overwhelmed once again by just how close he came to losing her…and how lucky he was that it didn't happen a second time. Every single moment they spent together was something he tried to burn into his memory, because each one was important. Not to be taken for granted. It made his voice husky thinking about it.

"…I love you so much."

Green eyes blinked open, shining in the moonlight as they watched him. He felt her reach up, tracing the scars he had gotten on Mars. She understood. Her lips barely curved up into the soft smile he loved so much. "I love you, too." Their bodies pressed together, arms curling around each other. He leaned to kiss her hair, breathing in her scent. It was the perfect night.

* * *

Maybe it was sleeping under the stars last night, or maybe it was just the ability to get out and do something  _normal_ for once, but Shepard hadn't been in this good a mood for a long time. Hiking was definitely a lot of work, and they even had to scramble up a previous rock slide at one point, but Kaidan did not disappoint. While she thought it was cool enough for a jacket up here, the lake was just breathtaking. The view behind it was wonderful, too.

As vast and amazing as the galaxy was, there would always be a special place in her heart for the landscape of her home world. She sat on the ground, letting her pack fall. Man, that felt good; she could handle it, but it was still a pain.

Kaidan plopped down to sit next to her and sighed. "So, worth it?"

She smiled at him as he looked around at the mountain range before them. "I suppose so." Her hand found his, twisting fingers together. They quietly enjoyed the scene for a few minutes, bright sun cutting through the chilly air. There wasn't even a single cloud in the sky; a perfect day. "Now that we're up here, we can just comm the Normandy and have them pick us up, right?" She grinned at him, lightly jabbing his side with an elbow.

He blinked at her for a second before laughing. "Yeah, sure. Lemme get right on that."

Her omni-tool popped up and she clicked what used to be their shortcut to the Normandy's shuttle. "Cortez, ready for extraction."

They both laughed quietly, simply appreciating the view. Clear skies allowed the lake to glow a brilliant aquamarine with sparkling ripples that caught the sun's rays. All of the mountains surrounding them were tall and rocky, some of the taller ones even still sporting some snow in the later summer months. It was a gorgeous sight.

A few minutes later, he cleared his throat and sat straight, setting his pack to the side. Something in his demeanor had changed, and he seemed almost nervous now. "Remember when I asked you if I could borrow your tags?"

As if his new tenseness wasn't disjointing enough, the sudden and seemingly random change of topic really threw her for a loop. Shepard blinked and looked over to him. What was he up to? "…Yeah?"

"Well, uh. I want to give them back to you, but you need to close your eyes."

Her eyebrow started to rise, but then she remembered the last time Kaidan had done something with their tags; he was definitely acting similarly then, too. The plan was absurdly sweet and was something that had helped them through countless months – years for him – of separation and anger. She still felt a little naked without them hanging around her neck. Hopefully he just did something like cleaned or repaired them. She quickly leaned over and kissed his cheek preemptively before closing her eyes.

_Maybe that'll calm your nerves down._

"Alright… Let me get them." She heard him rustling around in his pack, probably grabbing whatever it is he wanted to give to her. His voice seemed even more hesitant, which surprised her. They had gotten a lot better about acting like a 'normal' couple, although they would clearly never reach that completely. They were the first two human Spectres, and helped lead the fight against not only Saren but the Reapers, too. Nothing about either of them would ever be totally normal, and they liked it that way. "So, um. Hold out your hands."

Hold out her hands? Man, he was really going all out with this, wasn't he? Shepard grinned and cupped her hands, holding them in front of her. Maybe some humor would help diffuse the atmosphere some. "If you pour trail mix in them, I'm going to throw you off this mountain, Alenko."

Kaidan's laugh was still a bit strained, but it did lighten the mood a few notches. "I'll try not to disappoint."

Two small, heavy-for-their-size objects were gently placed into her hands. What were they? She started to close her fingers around them, trying to feel what the heck he just handed her, but one of his hands was already blocking her. Red eyebrows furrowed together, confused.

He cleared his throat. "I, uh. Don't really know how to say this." She felt his other hand pressing against her cheek, softly stroking it. If he sounded hesitant before, that was nothing compared to the flustered near-whisper she was hearing now. "We haven't done anything the 'right' way so far, so I figured…why start now?"

Her stomach immediately twisted into a torrent of knots. Was he about to say what she thought he was about to say? It was expected, of course. They knew it'd happen someday, but…well; no amount of knowing it'd be coming could prepare her for it actually happening. Funny enough, Shepard had planned on beating him to it. She'd already begun putting together the ultimate plot for getting him to cry and everything, but just like always, he beat her to it. Damn, the gun idea she had would've been perfect, too. She was going to hide the note in a thermal clip.

"You can, heh, open your eyes now."

She didn't have to hear that twice. Green eyes fluttered open, body shifting to face him more fully. Kaidan looked even more timid than he sounded. She could tell he was biting the inside of his cheek again. If his hand weren't covering hers, he'd probably be picking at his nails right now.

He wasn't the only one, though. Shepard hadn't even been this nervous before the final push on Earth. Worried, sure; but not nervous. Their eyes met, each breathlessly watching the other.

"Remember what I said back when we first swapped these tags?" He smiled softly.

Shepard nodded. That was one night she'd never forget. "That you'd always love me." Her lips were stiff, either from the perceived cold, or suspense. She wasn't sure.

He leaned forward to press his smile against her lips, soft and short. When he pulled back, their eyes locked again. "I meant it. Every day I wake up and remember that I'm the luckiest man alive. I'll always love you, and I…"

Just like before Ilos when he had come to her room, his words faltered, brown eyes falling to watch their hands. It was by far one of the most endearing things about Kaidan. He never said something unless he meant it, and he usually thought it through before speaking. Still curious as to what he did with the tags, she lightly squeezed his hands.

"…I want to make it official." His gaze slowly lifted and met hers again. All the nervousness was gone, a steady smile crinkling his eyes. "Marry me."

And there it was. She didn't even feel the cold anymore; just his hands covering hers. Shepard slowly began to grin like an idiot and pushed over to briefly capture his lips. Murmuring against them, she tried to keep from laughing. "On one condition."

Kaidan drew his free hand back, using it to pull her chin away so that they could lock eyes again. "Anything."

"Let me see what's in my hand already." She finally laughed, light and happy. Actually happy.

"Oh…yeah, go ahead."

Anticipation was nearly bursting out of her at this point. Shepard nudged his hand off and stared in confusion.

Two simple metal rings lay on her palm, one significantly bigger than the other. There was absolutely nothing descript about them; in fact, one could easily make the argument that they looked boring. Dull grey metal with nothing etched or set in them at all. Rather than figure out what he was doing, she just looked back up at him, completely baffled.

It was immediately clear that he had planned this entire thing. Kaidan was practically glowing with pride. "I said I wanted to give you your tags back."

He…what?! Kaidan had managed to surprise her before, but this was unbelievable! Her jaw dropped as green eyes swiveled back to stare at the no-longer-boring rings nestled in her hand. The rings were made from their tags? Holding them up to the light, she realized that their names were preserved. Did he manage to find someone who could actually save the engravings? His name was raised on the inside of hers, and her name resided on the inside of his. Well, at least she assumed that. The one with her name in it was way too big for her fingers.

"Kaidan, I…" Of all the romantic, thoughtful, original, wonderful things he tried to do…this one took the cake. Shepard looked up to him and laughed. "You'll wear one, too?"

His shoulders shrugged and he reached out to take the smaller one from her. "Like I said, we've done pretty much everything the 'wrong' way so far. Why stop at this point?"

Ridiculous though the sentiment was, it echoed their relationship perfectly. From breaking regs by talking in the mess hall late at night to having wild, desperate sex before what they thought was a suicide mission to being torn apart by death for two years and finding each other again amidst the chaos of a bloody war, absolutely nothing had gone 'normally.'

And that worked for them.

She grinned. "You do know that people are going to think we ran off and got married because we'll both be wearing rings."

Kaidan cleared his throat and poked open his omni-tool.

"…What are you doing?" Shepard tried to figure out if she was more amused or confused as she watched him stand up, brushing dirt off his pants.

He didn't respond, instead just sending out a hail. A few moments later, Hackett's voice rang over the speaker.

_Ready for extraction, Major?_

She watched incredulously as Kaidan affirmed the question.

"What are you…Kaidan?"

In rare form for him, he laughed loudly and reached down to offer a helping hand. "I've got one more trick up my sleeve, Lia. We're about to run off and get married right now."

For the second time that day, Shepard's jaw legitimately dropped from shock when the Normandy's shuttle appeared from behind the nearest mountain. "…You…" She had no words. Nothing could possibly vocalize the stupor engulfing her. She let him help her stand, both of them slinging hiking packs onto their backs.

Stunned silence drifted in the air as they waited for the shuttle to land. Everything slowly began to click into place as she thought back over the past few weeks. Those 'meetings' with Hackett that Kaidan had been going to, the comm calls he had to end abruptly when she walked into a room, even the random cheese-eating grins he had tossed her way lately…all of it pointed to this. Shepard burst into happy laughter, winding her arms around his neck and yanking him down to kiss the living daylights out of him.

The shuttle began to kick up dirt and air around them, a bizarrely perfect touch to the moment. She leaned back long enough to catch his eye, red hair flying in the wind. "You are the… I love you."

"Come on…let's go break some more rules."

That was right! They were going to technically be breaking more regulations; the two of them were still enlisted Alliance soldiers and weren't actually allowed to get married without wading through insane amounts of red tape. As Kaidan tugged her toward the now-open shuttle door, she couldn't help but giggle a little. With the small act of defiance against the regs they had initially tiptoed around, he made the whole thing that much more meaningful. It had been a tumultuous few years, but this stunt proved that they would never be bored together.

And this was only the beginning.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This final chapter is not fiction, but rather sort of an Animal House "where they ended up" deal. I originally wrote it as a quick email to let a friend know where all the main characters from Mass Effect ended up in my headcanon, but decided that if anyone who has read my epilogue is curious about what happened to the other main characters in Shepard's life, I'd throw it up here for them. If you have read the whole epilogue, I'd like to thank you for your support. It means the world to me that someone shared this with me. :)

 

 **Shepard and Kaidan**  
Yes, I know; I already devoted over 35,000 words to this, but I do have an ultimate end for them. One I'm never going to flesh out in fiction. It just seems…too sacred to me. That probably sounds lame, but oh well. Humans typically live to 150 or later in the ME universe according to the wiki. I figure, given all the stress and wear/tear on their bodies, they're certainly not going to make it that long. Kaidan's actually going to go first, around 127 years old. Natural causes, just old age. And, ya know. Being with Shepard for that long a time. She has that effect. Shepard's going to make it another three months before catching pneumonia. She'll then refuse treatment and disappear even further from the public eye. The last thing she said to anyone (namely their two adopted kids before sending them away) was a simple joke about needing to meet Kaidan and Garrus at the bar in heaven.

* * *

**Garrus**  
Turian lifespans are comparable to humans, but Garrus has had even more wear and tear. Omega did a number on him; he made it to the age of 110. The ship he took did make it back to Palaven, and he helped with rebuilding. Was a prominent and well-respected figure. Garrus's father didn't live long enough for Garrus to return, but his sister did. Very joyful reunion, and Garrus was assured many...MANY...times that his father died with pride, knowing how well Garrus had done fighting against the Reapers. Bittersweet vindication. Finally found a lovely turian lady (with a serious attitude...pretty much Shepard if she were turian) and had a few kids that gave him hell. The relays were fixed in time for intergalactic travel/news to be commonplace about 31 years after the Reapers were defeated, so Shep and Kaidan got to visit him again. They definitely went to his funeral and Shepard gave the eulogy. Oh, and that 'wedding invitation' (which ended up just being a postcard going 'oops, got married without you!') totally made it 15 years too late (it was sent pre-relays). He framed it and when the relays were fixed, gave it back to Shep/Kaidan in a surprise visit. :3

* * *

**Liara  
** Takes the first ship back to Thessia, even though it'll be an arduous journey (FTL without relays, having to stop at carefully planned locations every few days to discharge and refuel). Immediately jumps into action when they arrive. The planet and social structure remained mostly intact (what was left of it), but she still threw herself into helping better everything and bring it back to the way it used to be. Eventually becomes the asari councilor by an overwhelming majority vote. Is married once to a turian general, they have one daughter who eventually becomes a painter. Spends centuries alone after he dies, with only a few dalliances - nothing ever serious. She picked up a lot of human mannerisms and viewpoints while on the Normandy and the idea of only loving one person was one that stuck. Dies of very old asari age at 1,454. Hailed as one of the greatest asari to ever live, with "Liara" becoming the most popular name for asari for a very long time.

* * *

**Tali  
** The quarians are well-accustomed to living for long periods of time on ships. At the behest of Tali, the fleet stayed around a year longer than everyone else, repairing live ships. They finally head off and go back to Rannoch. Years later, they arrive; Tali is older but not ancient. Again, comparable lifespan to humans. The quarians are still doing the last of cleaning up the Geth, but they haven't deconstructed any of them. They were confused when the Geth all just shut off, and didn't want to break them apart for materials in case the Geth turned back on. That...could end very badly for them. After assuring everyone that the Geth were truly dead, she spearheaded a cause to create a memorial to the Geth using all their now-empty "bodies." She married Kal-Reegar (WHO IS NOT DEAD GOD DAMN IT NO) and they have three wonderful quarian chillins who don't need suits! Unfortunately Tali never acclimates enough to the planet before she dies, due to the time it took with FTL to get back home. Both Kal and Tali die at a reasonable age (160ish) and the "vas Normandy" family is considered the most prestigious bloodline in recorded history.

* * *

**Joker  
** Spends a good twenty years in the Alliance, mostly shuttling people back and forth to fix the relays. In his down time, he decided to take all the money he'd saved up from over the years and open a center for disabled kids in the rebuilt New York City. The Elimination of Disabilities Institute (EDI for short) was put into practice shortly before the relays were reopened. It focused on eliminating the issues disabled children had, allowing them to live normal lives, as Joker did. A few years after this, he ended up falling in love with a mother of one of the children. Dani was a single mother who was one of the most vocal supporters of the independent lifestyle the institute strove to instill in kids. They married, but never had any kids of their own. He adopted her daughter (who had a rare brain defect that caused seizures) and Joker did end up happy in the end.

* * *

**Wrex  
** Short and sweet. Made it back to Tuchanka, helped Eve keep the peace and ushered in a new era of krogan productivity and culture. Died 20 years after the relays were reopened. Shepard and Kaidan traveled to Tuchanka to help facilitate and confirm that the krogan would continue along their current path, helping Eve make Grunt the new leader. Clan Urdnot continued to be the ruling "family" for centuries upon centuries. Bakara (Eve) and Wrex became the traditional honored names for the firstborn of every litter.

* * *

**Jacob  
** Is happy with Brynn and their daughter Kay (he talked her down from Shepard to Kaelia and finally to Kay) for a good decade, eventually settling down in Sweden - as far away from tropics as they could get. He refused to live somewhere that would remind him of his father. Brynn unfortunately died from extreme childbirth complications a few years later, a very rare thing with medicine at that point. He remained a single father for the rest of his life, refusing to marry again. That said, he did find another life partner in the most unlikely place - Miranda. Twenty-five years after Brynn's death, she ran into Jacob during some scientific research into building new relays and the two reconnected. Children fully grown and finished with school, Jacob took off with Miranda and the two of them spent the rest of their lives together.

* * *

**Miranda  
** For her part in helping with the Crucible and aiding in the downfall of Cerberus, Hackett (after a LOT of convincing from Shepard) pardoned Miranda for her crimes committed while working for Cerberus originally...under the stipulation that she became a fully sworn Alliance science officer. After some thinking, Miranda agreed. She spearheaded the programs to rebuild the relays and was on the first ship to test one. She and Oriana lived together in a small but comfortable apartment in London for years until Oriana moved west to live with her husband on the Canadian east coast. A decade later, Miranda and Jacob rekindled their relationship. They traveled around the world and the galaxy for her research, quietly fulfilled together. She never had children, and they never adopted any, but Oriana's adopted children were enough for Miranda. Due to her genetic tailoring, she lived a good 67 years longer than Jacob: a ripe old age of 214, but she was content with having a quiet, challenge-filled life with someone who really understood her and didn't look at her as a traitor-turned-good.

* * *

**Samara  
** Stayed around Earth until the relays were reconstructed, considering galactic stability more important than forging out to try and get back to asari space asap. Was one of very few witnesses at Shepard and Kaidan's "wedding." Left once the relay system was functional again, returned to the monastery and helped rebuild it with Falere. Spent rest of her life guarding the Ardat-Yakshi that willingly came to the monastery from both themselves and outsiders. Kept in close correspondence with Shepard and Miranda, the latter eventually taking Samara's advice to heart and adopting a more understanding approach to life. Dies 148 years after the Reapers were destroyed, with Falere by her bedside.

* * *

**Zaeed  
** Little is known of Zaeed's fate, other than he disappeared after helping with the final assault on the beam. Reports of him being seen on tropical islands are spotty at best, but the old mercenary clearly gave up the trade and retired. The only time he surfaced was a short note sent to Shepard a few weeks after her wedding ring was noticed by the press at the first anniversary ceremony: "About damn time. Don't shoot each other, it makes the makeup sex a real pain."

* * *

**Grunt  
** Didn't return with Wrex, deciding to stick around his battlemaster's people for a few years. When the final krogan ship was fixed and heading out pre-relay revival, he took it. Received a warrior's welcome from Wrex when they made it back, and given a place of honor in Clan Urdnot. After Wrex's death, Bakara nominated Grunt to replace him as leader. After some serious discussion with Shepard and the council, he accepted. He continued to lead the krogan down the path set forth by Wrex and Bakara, making sure to rule alongside a female clan leader. The krogan entered a new golden age, focusing their rage into organized tournaments and expanding into Council-approved worlds.

* * *

**Jack  
** Stayed in the military. She helped continue the biotic programs, being promoted to Major in time. The Alliance, at both her and Shepard's insistence, fleshed out a full biotic branch. The Alliance Biotic Forces, or ABF, utilized biotic powers in different ways to help augment defense systems. She and Shepard became - very unwillingly - the poster children for what the Alliance could do for children with troubled pasts. While she refused to ever marry, Jack did finally find someone that she didn't want to rip in half and dump a few months into the relationship: a powerful young biotic man named Bret Walsh. His powers were comparable to her own and he had the driest, most black sense of humor imaginable. They lived together, but never had any children of their own. Her students were her kids. Unfortunately due to the torture she endured as a child, Jack died very young at 106. The new space center wing for the ABF was named after her posthumously; Bret made sure, in a true homage to his lover, that the students graffiti-bombed it the night before its unveiling to the press.

* * *

**James  
** After three months' worth of searching, unfortunately he discovered that his uncle didn't make it through the Reaper invasion alive. Despite his grief, James was both amused and proud to find out the manner of his uncle's death: a couple of loaded shotguns and an all-terrain vehicle, drawing Reaper forces away from a school that was being used as a civilian shelter. He decided to resettle in the California desert, having inherited his uncle's house and land. Over the years, he kept in contact with most of the Normandy's crew, but he and "Estaban" grew closer over the years. By the time the relays were repaired, the two men had dropped all pretense and were living together as a couple. Cortez didn't want to marry again, but after another twenty years, finally relented. They asked to have the ceremony aboard the Normandy, which had been converted to a museum at that point; Shepard pulled some strings for them. James, being a bit younger, outlived Cortez by quite a few years. He lived the rest of his life much as he did before becoming a widower: flirting with everyone and having crazy parties…especially those yearly trips to get drunk with the Normandy's crew to celebrate the defeat of the Reapers.

* * *

**Cortez  
** Moved into a downtown condo in Vancouver, wanting to be as far away from a colony-styled life as possible. At Shepard's urging, he talked with Kelly Chambers about some grief counseling and in time actually moved on. He kept in close contact with Shepard, who he would consider his dearest friend. Stayed on as a pilot in the Alliance until the relays were active, then decided to retire and move to California to live with James. The two of them became fixtures in the community and were known for throwing the best parties. Lived to a ripe old age, and died in sleep after finally having found peace.

* * *

**Traynor  
** Returned to R&D with the Alliance, becoming a key researcher into methods of restoring (and later enhancing) the relay network's ability to send and receive messages. She even got a wing of the building named after her when she discovered a new form of encryption. Shortly after the war had ended, she met a lovely woman at an officers' party that the crew had been invited to. The two were quickly inseparable and married in short order. Samantha did end up getting her white picket fence, two kids and a dog.

* * *

**Chakwas  
** Retired officially within a few years of the war's end, but she insisted staying on as Shepard's physician for as long as she lived. She moved to Seattle and happily lived out the remainder of her life with a few cats. Greg Adams, chief engineer, also ended up in that area and the two of them started a relationship. Both were of the opinion that they would simply enjoy the time they had left and not worry about anything more serious than what they would have for dinner. After the relays were fixed, they took one final trip to Eden Prime as a farewell to their adventures in the place where it all began. Died at the respectable age of 181, more than a little annoyed that she managed to outlive Shepard.

* * *

**Hackett  
** A military man to the end. Continued to lead the Alliance military and never retired. Was the one who Kaidan had asked to do the official "eloping" honors; he loved the idea so much, he suggested that they borrow the Normandy for the afternoon in order to officiate via the 'ship captains can marry people' loophole.


End file.
